"It Just Wanted To Kill Me"
STINSON BEACH, California- Surfer Thom Platt has seen a great white close up and may never go in the ocean again. "I love surfing more than anything but I saw a look in that shark's eye that will keep me dry for the rest of my life. I could see the hate. That damn thing went for me but got my surfboard instead. I was lucky this time. I am not going to press my luck."
Breeder of Fighting Dogs Was Angry Young Man
MONTGOMERY, Alabama- Slap Dunlap is being sought by authorities for breeding fighting dogs. His father, Pastor Dunwoody Dunlap told authorities, "My son was always an angry young man who just had an edge. Once he got to a certain size we could never be comfortable around him."
Polar Bear Attacks Attack Sub
ARCTIC CIRCLE, International Waters- Polar bears have been showing unusual interest in surfacing U.S. attack subs, according to navy spokesperson, Lt. Mary Beth Holtz. "We don't often see polar bears hanging around but lately when we surface they have been studying the sub's exterior, almost trying to figure out how to get in. One bear even took a swipe at our periscope and then looked in giving the commander the stink eye."
Idiot Gets Grizzly Drunk
YELLOWSTONE VISTA, Wyoming- Haus Burton just loves bears. He even invites them into his hot tub for a cold brew. "They can't hold a bottle yet, but I'm working on that. Right now I have to feed them like a baby. And they love a full, hoppy beer. If I just have Coors they leave."
Deer Wants Fresh Chocolate Chip Cookies Now!
CINCINNATI, Ohio- A deer scampered into the Whole Foods store in Rookwood Commons and charged in, heading for the smell of baking chocolate chip cookies in the bakery section. "He was hanging out next to the oven waiting for the cookies to come out," said Scott Hartman, the store's manager, adding, "That's not a normal thing." The deer hung out in the bakery 25 minutes until the SPCA showed up. Once a tranquilizer took effect, police and the SPCA carried the animal out without a cookie. Hartman said this is the third time he's run a Whole Foods location that's hosted a deer. "Apparently deer like quality organic gourmet food."
"They Are Not Our Enemy"
BODEGA BAY, California- Marine enthusiast Steve Feldman has taken a liking to the local great white shark population. Feldman has astounded marine biologists by befriending, and even fishing, with several great whites. "They steer halibut toward my boat and bait, and all they want from me in return is love," said the social worker.
Toy Dog Society Names Their Man Of The Year
NEW YORK, New York- Dogs often resemble their owners which is why the breed category known as toy dogs are rarely seen with champion weight lifters. But Sammy Schward is the exception to that rule. "I love toy dogs so much. When I get home from the gym I just want a little ball of fluff to cuddle and nuzzle with," said the muscle bound champ.
They Are Jealous Of Our Lifestyle
SAN BERNADINO, California- A bear busted into a San Bernardino County home and was gobbling up a box of chocolates from a couple's refrigerator just when they arrived home. The bear pushed aside vegetables in the fridge to get the two-pound box of sweets. Officials said the bear also tried to open a bottle of champagne but was not successful. "Humans live inside because it's safer and nicer than living outside. Why wouldn't the animals who live outside get jealous and want what we have inside? They can get vegetables outside, but inside is where you find the chocolate and champagne," said UC-Riverside biologist Peter Murat.
Winged Cats Plague China
SHINDONG, China- Another cat has sprouted wings in China according to government authorities. "The leader is very concerned that cats may be learning to fly," said communist party spokesman, Shiki Chen. "Why else would they sprout wings? They must want to travel. But if all cats can't have wings, no cats can have wings. That is our policy."
Gator in the Garage
JACKSON, Mississippi- Brandon Norwood had just taken out the trash at his grandparents home around 2:30 a.m. Wednesday when he noticed something peering at him from under his grandmother's car. "I saw a snout sticking up. I knew it was a reptile," Norwood, said. "I kept my distance. Momma didn't raise a fool. I got down on my hands and knees, and that's when I saw it was an alligator. Then I thought, maybe Momma' did raise a fool, cuz' I shouldn't be down on my hands and knees next to an alligator." Officer Darryl Stasher said they were able to extract the 8-foot alligator from underneath the car by poking it with a broom.