January 18, 2018
The Legend of Walmartus
By Tim Bedore 2003

Long, long ago in a land so far away you wouldn't want to walk there from here was a merchant named Walmartus. So glorious and large was Walmartus that smaller merchants feared him because when Walmartus set up shop in their village they became as worthless as week old gruel, losing everything they worked to build. Then, the best they could hope for was to receive recompense for standing outside the doors of the Walmartus' bizarres and trading centers crying out "Welcome to Walmartus, neighbor... and former customer of mine. Have a good day."

Greeting fellow villagers in this manner made them not as happy or wealthy as when they themselves were merchants but looking on the bright side they said we can still afford to eat something better than week old gruel.

So wondrous was the power of Walmartus that one day after one of the biggest feasts of the year, Walmartus put DVD players on sale for 29.99. And all across the land the people rushed to Walmartus because DVD players were normally 69.99 or more, but most importantly these much desired players could unlock the magic of the movies contained within and entertain the people mightily.

Excited beyond reason by the amount of money Walmartus had knocked off the regular price the people knocked down one of their neighbors and trampled over her like a herd of elephants. These fellows humans and neighbors acted as if they did not even notice the woman who was unconscious beside them as they surged forward towards the players of DVD.

And they had every right to act oblivious because they themselves had done nothing wrong. In fact, if a printer/fax/copier went on sale these otherwise good people would slay and gut anyone foolish enough to slow the surge or stumble on the way.

A few villagers came to the aid of the unconscious woman and when they lifted her the crowd noticed she was lying on top of something, protecting it from the crush of the crowd with her very life. Was it her child? A helpless stranger? No, it was one of the cherished DVD players which Walmartus promised to sell her at the sale price once she woke up.

And the village jester said "No one ever got trampled at the Mom and Pop stores where we used to shop." But an advisor to the King said "And they never had DVD players for 29.99. Only a merchant the size of Walmartus could bring us such magic at such a low price."

And someone from the area where Walmartus once lived said "It takes a village" and the jester said "Preferably a village where your neighbors won't trample you to save 40 bucks."

But most of the village didn't hear the jester because they too busy savoring a Paul Shore movie, after which, their cheap DVD player... broke.