January 19, 2018
I'd Go Out and Kill Someone but I Have to Finish this Pound of Bacon
By Tim Bedore 2003

Did you see that in the paper the other day? (Pause) Well, did ya? Excuse me, I have to tell you what it is I saw in the paper before you can answer: did you see that report that kids today are more likely than ever to be overweight but less likely to commit acts of violence or get pregnant as teens? You know why? They're overweight.

Kids today are fat and lazy. "Oh, I'd go out and put a cap in someone's skull but I can't get off the couch. I'm so tired. Bring someone in and I'll cap 'em but I can't move." "Yeah, I'd like to have sex with you but unzipping just wears me out. If I got undressed right now I'd have to take a nap first to recover. And anyway, I have to finish this pound of bacon."

So it's kind of a good news/bad news situation. Yes, kids are less likely to end up inseminated or incarcerated but it's because they're too chunky to feel spunky.

Maybe there's more to it than that, maybe years of Just Say No to drugs and sex campaigns are paying off. And now that I am the father of a daughter and no longer a teenage boy I can tell you teenage girls absolutely just say no to sex. Especially with boys. Teenage boys are not to be trusted. I know. I was one. Oh, if I was a teenage boy I'd be saying 'Have sex with teenage boys. In particular, me'.

Which proves my point. The same guy that's telling you to not do it now, back then, was telling you "To just touch it. Come on, just touch it." And, I was one of the nice guys.

Obviously, I'm a totally nervous father. I worry about everything. I know I shouldn't worry too much because I will work very hard to raise my daughter right, telling her about all of the perils of teenage life in America but the early signs aren't good. The other night we were out for a ride and saw some teenage boys, kind of rebel looking types, standing on the corner drinking beer. Of course they weren't supposed to be doing that but there they were, brazenly flouting the laws of society and as we passed them, from the back of the car, strapped into her safety seat, my daughter said "Daddy, let's go back and talk to those boys." I said, "Why Claire?" She said, "I just thought they were cool." And that is why I am sending Claire to a lesbian convent school.