February 06, 2012

Best of Vague But True

It's True, I'm not Making That Up

Best of Vague But True Vol 2

The Animal Conspiracy CD

Seagull Breaks Nose, Ruins Honeymoon
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CABO SAN LUCAS, Mexico- Fred and Mindy Hoerter were starting a romantic honeymoon with a cruise on "The Love Boat," which takes young couples to a romantic private island for a two hour stint as the sole occupants. But before they got there a seagull smacked Cindy in the face, broke her nose, and ruined what was going to be a first for the nature loving couple. "We aren't what you'd call pure exhibitionists... but being outside and everything on your honeymoon... alone like that... well, we were really looking forward to it. Then that damn bird broke my face and I just wanted to go home."
Parrot Police on the Case
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COVENTRY, England- Police say a parrot not only attacked thieves who broke into a pet store, but also collected evidence that could help solve the case. When burglars busted into Hobday's Pet Shop a parrot named Jack got flapping mad. "When we got into work there was blood all over and Jack was perched on his cage squawking like mad," Caroline Hobday told the press. "All the evidence looks like he scared the thieves away and spent the rest of the night patrolling the shop." Thanks to Jack, the thieves left behind a blood trail from which investigators can obtain DNA evidence. Police also recovered scraps of fabric from Jack's beak that could help pinpoint the perps. Why would a parrot help its human owners? "Jack likes our shop and its benefits. He get's capitalism. Whenever he hears the cash register go off he let's out a scream and hops into his happy dance."
Bear Keeps Breaking Into Van
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GRASS VALLEY, California- Is it possible that a bear can pick out a particular van, learn to defeat its security system and break in to steal food, while leaving all other vehicles in the parking lot alone? Larry Brown has lost his lunch to a DNR tagged bear, number 463, 26 times in the last four months. And in that time, no other car has even been touched by 463. "It's embarrassing because of the line of work I'm in but, hey, if a bear wants to get into your van, apparently it is going to get in. Maybe, I should stop leaving peanut butter and honey sandwiches in the van. It's crazy but I can't imagine lunch without 'em. Now, neither can 463."
DEA Badge Has Limited Power in South Dakota
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WRANGLER GULCH, South Dakota- DEA officer, Dale Swinkert, was following a tip that drug runners had set up a marijuana patch in a remote part of the state. After arriving at the ranch the patch was supposedly on he told the owner "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher, Carl "Binky" Orloff told Swinkert "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," pointing to a pasture down the road. Swinkert later said he was in no mood to argue after his long, bone jarring ride to the location and should have listened. "I went into my standard, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me,' spiel and showed him my badge and said, 'This badge allows me to go anywhere I want to, get it!?' So, Mr. Orloff just smiled and waved me on. Next thing I know I am being chased by the biggest damn bull I have ever seen and Mr. Orloff is shouting "Show him your badge, show him your badge." Next time I'll slow down and listen to what the property owner has to say." Agent Swinkert escaped with minor injuries.
Flying Fish Finishes Off Kayak Racer
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COLUMBIA, Missouri- A flying fish forced a Texas kayaker ashore just short of crossing the finish line at an annual Missouri River endurance race. Brad Pennington was one of the favorites in the Missouri River 340, a canoe and kayak race in Kansas City, Kan. But a 30-pound Asian silver carp put an end to his dreams of winning when it jumped from the water and hit him in the head. "It felt like a brick hit me," Pennington said. Pennington said he had to withdraw because of a "pounding, pounding headache that kept getting worse. "It's definitely a risk being out on the river," said Tracy Hill, with the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service's local fisheries office. "It's extremely serious. Those things can kill you." Hill and his colleagues already wear construction hard hats while on the job. He suggested, with a straight face, that an upgrade to hockey helmets and protective netting might be in order. Pennington joked with friends before the race that he might be attacked by a carp in retribution for his being an avid fisherman but now that it has happened he says it's not so funny. "My head isn't OK yet and being on water makes me sea sick, now. I guess those fish fixed me but good."
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