JACKSONVILLE, Florida- Cyclists and joggers are used to being treated rudely by motorists but now they also have to worry about alligators. Deputy State Game Warden Barry "Bullhead" Thorton reports, "This new generation of 'gators will sit there with their eyes closed like they're sleepin', then strike at the next Lance Armstrong pedallin' by. If gators ever learn how to go full-camo join the gym cuz' exercising outside is over!"

JUNEAU, Alaska- Governor Sarah Palin is sending out the call for able bodied men and women to come to the aid of their state. "We have outdoor jobs we really need to fill and contrary to what the media says they are not all that dangerous. Sure, we've had more attacks than in the past but are you people chicken? Do we have to hire from the lower 48? Come on!"

CAMBY, Oregon- Noah Abel is convinced his dogs will stop at nothing to hunt the varmints that are eating up his vineyard. "When the rabbits high tail it my dogs would go through a wall to get 'em. Thankfully there aren't walls here but you should see them jump the fences."

BLOMFIELD, New York- Crosman air rifles has announced they hope to get young girls into shooting at an early age through a pink version of their 760 Pumpmaster. "You'll be surprised how much the girl in your family will love shooting if you start her out with a pink gun," says the company website. Some parents groups are concerned and worry about the result of a father buying a young girl something pink named "Pumpmaster."

PERTH, Australia- Colin Dillon named his new yacht after the late Steve Irwin who was killed by a sting ray. So, when he was snorkeling near McDonnell Cay he was a little un-nerved when he saw a mass of sting rays headed for him. "I got out of the water just in time. Until they started slapping the hull with their wings I didn't want to think the worst but now I have to wonder," said the surprised boater.

SHERMAN OAKS, California-Kurt Ramlo sat down to do his taxes but something at the window caught his eye. "A wild eyed squirrel was trying to break in and wouldn't stop for anything. I shot staples at it, blew compressed air from the computer duster can thing... its little squirrel cheeks were flapping in the wind, but it wouldn't get off the screen. I don't know what it wanted in here but it was highly motivated." A smack from a tennis shoe knocked the determined rodent off the screen.

CROSS PLAINS, Wisconsin- Monsignor James Brogan has received the approval of the Vatican to bless contraceptive efforts being made by locals to reduce the deer herd. "Snowmobilers are at risk, these deer eat up saplings and ruin people's yards... we have to bring down the size of the herd and the rhythm method is not going to get it done," said Brogan.

BAHMFOOUT, South Africa- Tourists are being advised to use designated rest areas while in the bush. Several lion attacks on humans have occurred while tourists were relieving themselves outdoors. "It seems to be a pattern. You squat, they rush. When you think of it, why wouldn't they attack while you're most vulnerable," remarked tour guide Dirk Hinkeerbinden.

CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida- A bat tried to hitch a ride to outer space on the space shuttle. Could it survive? Experts say there is little chance the bat could get too far from Earth before expiring. NASA scientist Larry Brown said, "But our radar will be looking for any large, winged creature re-entering the atmosphere, because we all know bats turn into giant evil beasts once they spend time in space." NASA officials note that Mr. Brown was due to retire this week and is known to put reporters on.

TONGASS NATIONAL FOREST, Alaska- Park rangers say they have seen lots of interesting things over the years but they never expected to witness a bear teaching a wolf how to fish for salmon. "There was not only tolerance for another species threatening its food supply, but this bear was actively showing the wolf how to fish. When the wolf didn't copy what he was doing, the bear roared at the wolf until he did it. It looked like a high school football practice. They definitely can work together," said DNR official Chris Hoffman.