KABUL, Pakistan- A Chinese news publication has reported that the Taliban are training monkeys to shoot American soldiers. Coalition forces have the most sophisticated weaponry in the world, from fighter jets to laser weapons to highly trained soldiers. But the Taliban is investing in monkeys. According to Friday’s report, based on British intelligence, the Taliban is training species of more attractive simians to use weapons and fight against American soldiers. U.S. intelligence experts now classify these animals as "monkey terrorists." Reporters in the Afghanistan-Pakistan border region, have allegedly taken photos of "monkey soldiers" holding AK-47 rifles and Bren light machine guns. "They're awfully cute, but like in the Wizard of Oz... these monkeys are bad ass," said Lt. Frank Prinzi of Buffalo, NY.

YAKIMA, Washington- A fire that heavily damaged a Veterans of Foreign Wars building in Yakima, Wash.,is being blamed on a rat, fire officials said. Investigators say the rat chewed through an electrical cord Friday, setting itself on fire, then ran to its nest in a storage closet filled with flammable materials, and the resultant blaze spread through the building. The fire damaged what VFW members say were priceless war memorabilia including the sword General Prescott Tush used to defend himself against a moose attack while mapping the Northwest Territories for President Jackson.

VICTORIA, British Columbia- A Canadian man is recovering after a black bear swam across a river, climbed onto a dock and then jumped on a boat and attacked him. Conservation officer Gord Hitchcock said Wednesday the 52-year-old man was fishing at a marina in a tiny coastal community off Canada's Pacific coast when the bear mauled him. Hitchcock says people tried to help the man using poles, knives and a hammer to pull the bear off of him. Fire Chief Dan Tennant said he's never heard of such an incident in an area where the bears are normally docile. "One friend even tried to help out with a pinch nose pliers but didn't get very far," said Tennant.

CANBERRA, Australia- Crocodiles can surf ocean currents to journey across open seas according to the "Journal of Animal Ecology" which explains how the world's largest living reptile came to occupy so many South Pacific islands despite having little stamina for swimming. Like a surfer catching a wave, crocodiles ride currents to cross hundreds of miles of open sea, study author Hamish Campbell said. Campbell used sonar transmitters to track a 13-foot male that surfed ocean currents 367 miles to meet with other crocs before returning home. "Why he went there, we have absolutely no idea. But it appears he had some meetings with these other crocs and surfed back home," Campbell said.

LOS ANGELES, California- A Southern California freeway was shut down while state wildlife officials tried to remove a bear that wandered into lanes. Lt. Kerry Carter says the adult black bear walked onto the freeway, which had to be closed for much of the morning commute. Fish and Game Department workers eventually cornered the bear in a flood control channel, and tranquilized it with a dart gun. "I had a big position I was going to pull the trigger on but missed the trading dead line because of this flippin' bear," said angry bond trader Stormy Kroemer, who got stuck in traffic and a cell phone dead spot on the way to downtown Los Angeles, 20 miles away.

BOCA RATON, Florida- Sadie Finkelstein has seen too many alligators park themselves outside her Florida home. Twice she has almost gotten bit going out to get the morning paper. But now, she is packing heat and the porch parking 'gators better pay attention because the 86 year old is ready to fight back. "I love reading the New York Times and if those 'gators keep me from getting it off the porch they are going to eat lead," said the generally jolly grandmother.

PANAMA BEACH, Florida- Koral Wira was named after the sea and its tranquility, not the terror she experienced on Sunday morning. While fishing with her family in the Gulf of Mexico, the 14-year-old girl was attacked by a 45-inch barracuda while innocently sitting in a boat. The barracuda jumped from the water, flew across the boat like a bullet, clamped onto the girl's left arm, chomped away for several minutes while her family desperately tried to drag it off, and finally did but not before her limb was turned into "raw hamburger," according to her father. Wira had incision-like bite marks from her elbow to her wrist, and the wounds required 51 stitches to close. "It was something out of 'Jaws,' it was that scary," said Dina Parker, Wira's mother. "We'll never go back out there again. It was the most terrifying thing I've ever been through." Wira's brother Ben, threw the barracuda into the water and said "It looked me right in the eye for about 10 seconds before it swam off. Real spooky."

PADUCAH, Kentucky- Daniel "Shafter" Wasco was born into a family with a proud hunting tradition. Now, his family wants to honor that tradition by having a taxidermist mount his body along side the wild boar that killed him. A funeral and burial had originally been planned but patriarch D. Boone Wasco had a last minute change of heart and opted for the more unique approach of taxidermy. "Been told it ain't legal so we might end up doin'the urn thing, cuz' we already sold the casket. But Shafter got it from the boar on a hunt and the boar got it from Shafter and to put'em together forever would just say everything." State statutes do not make it clear a human mounting is illegal so officials said they will come up with additional language to make sure it is.

TAMPA, Florida- At a time of year when kids are thinking about getting out of school, one alligator is thinking about getting in. The 7 foot 'gator found its way into a middle school just as students were arriving for class. Gary Morse, a spokesman for Florida Fish and Wildlife said a custodian let the alligator inside early Monday morning. "The janitor thought it would be easier to apprehend the 'gator if it were in the school, but it just made it worse, in that the kids were coming in and there was an alligator running through the halls. He meant well, though." Morse would not elaborate on how the professional alligator wranglers handled the situation but said "There are certain techniques used that I won't go into for public safety reasons; I don't want people to try this at home," but joked that they involve a very quick human dressed as a chicken.

MONTGOMERY, Ohio- An accident involving a deer has forced police to shut down the right lanes of northbound I-71 in Montgomery. Police say a deer jumped off the overpass onto a car that was traveling on I-71 around 11:30 a.m. A woman inside the car was injured and transported to an area hospital. The right two lanes of the interstate were blocked causing traffic to backup for several miles for much of the day. The stalled vehicles included trucks carrying produce that was ruined by sitting in the heat. A Happy Farms company spokesman said, "One of our VPs hit a deer this morning on the way to work. Now this. Makes you wonder."