SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Dozens of pigeons have attacked tourists this summer in Golden Gate Park by flying over humans and pooping in mid-swoop. Park officials have stopped short of saying these aerial droppings are purposeful and coordinated but admit there doesn't seem to be any other explanation.

St. Louis, MO - Catholic Supply of St, Louis has announced a new line of inspirational statuary for the athletic Christian. The theme is that Jesus Christ is not only our coach in life but also more specifically in how to hit a golf ball or make a hook shot.

Bath - IL - Heroic Americans took to the waterways of central Illinois to do battle with the foreign invaders known as Asian Big Head Carp. The non-indigenous, invasive species has ruined local fisheries and attacked fishermen and other recreational boaters. "Have you ever been hit by 40 pounds of evil slime," asked Jimmy Morin. "These @#^%&$* mean business and we need to take them out."

Livermore- CA - U.S. officials are worried several species of animals are actively trying to build up immunity to poisons used to control their activities. It is not known what their goal is but, one expert claimed, "If they wanted to take out humanity, this is how they would start, develop a resistance to our weapons."

LOS ANGELES, CA - The FOX News Network has admitted they were unable to confirm the veracity of a recent story on the existence of a new species of animal - a human-deer hybrid. FOX had broadcast a story claiming a man from Superior, WI, has had physical relations with several deer and the result was the birth of a cross species hybrid. FOX now denies that part of the story and apologizes for any confusion!

Rossmoor, CA - The upscale community of Rossmoor, where homes average in the 5-6 million dollar range, are not going to hire out when it comes to fighting the mountain lions that have invaded the exclusive neighborhood. "I'm anti-gun but I am hell on wheels with loud noise," reports Felicity Ralston Packard. "I'll give them both barrels of ear splitting damnation," claims Packard, who lost her toy poodle, Mr. Annuity, to a local cougar.

Idaho Falls - ID - Irate leaders of several local churches have petitioned the DNR to cut down a tree they find offensive and say, "Turns a hike or camp out into an X-rated movie." Pastor Richard C. Johnson said, "You can't take your kids for a walk along Mosey's Creek with out running into a bunch of jiggly, sex crazed women posing with this tree. How do you explain why they are grabbing this thing to your kids? That they just really loves trees?"

Des Moines - Iowa - An obviously angry beaver tried to shut down downtown Des Moines yesterday. The cranky Castoridae stopped cars and attacked bikers before being corralled by police and removed, allowing human commerce to continue.

Lexington- KY - Creation Museum officials report they have found proof when Adam and Eve were kicked out of the Garden of Eden they left on the backs of friendly dinosaurs. "The Bible is literally true so we know humans and dinosaurs existed at the same time," said Ken Ham. "Not only were they not eating us, but like in the Flintstones they helped us do stuff."

GALVESTON, TX - Chagrined Navy officers admit that several dolphins with poison dart guns attached to their flippers have escaped their enclosures and have been seen stalking bathers along Texas beaches. One officer involved in the clandestine operation, anonymously, claimed "These fish ain't Flipper. They are mean, and they are armed. Don't be fooled by that smile, these guys don't like humans. I am almost happy they escaped 'cuz I never liked getting in the pool with them, especially when they were armed."