January 21, 2018

Time Bedore - Standing Up

Best of Vague But True Vol 2

The Animal Conspiracy CD

Internet Browsing Kitty Caught By Computer Cam
ORAVILLE, California- Nina Symywhichz was having all kinds of trouble with her computer being infected by viruses and slowed by cookies and couldn't figure out why because she lives alone and is very careful about where she goes on the internet. Technicians suggested her computer was being remotely accessed by foreign hackers and she even thought local kids might be breaking into her house and using her PC to browse sites their parents wouldn't allow. But when she hooked up a camera that is activated whenever anyone touches the computer mouse Symywhichz was in for a surprise. Whenever she was out of the house her cat, Felicity, was browsing the internet on a regular basis. "I don't know what to think," said the frustrated Symywhichz. "Porno, Ebay, soccer sites... Felicity was all over the internet. And since I replaced the mouse with a touch pad she is morose. But I had to do it. Is it possible for a cat to be addicted to porn?"
Brazilian Man Killed By Cow Falling Through Roof
CARATINGA, Brazil- Joo Maria de Souza was killed in his sleep when a cow grazing on hill behind his home in Caratinga crashed through the roof above his bed. De Souza, 45, and his wife were in bed when the one-ton cow walked out onto their roof, causing it to collapse. It was the third such incident in recent years. Homes are often built into hillsides in the region and provide access for animals to get up onto structures. Malaquenia De Souza, the dead man's wife, said "I told Joao to kill the grass that was growing up there, that it was going to be a problem but he wouldn't listen. And for years he insisted he got to sleep on the side of the bed next to the night stand... and that's what killed him."
Naked Babes and Belugas
MURMANSK, Russia- Braving sub-zero temperatures, Natalia Avseenko has thrown caution and her clothes to the wind to tame two beluga whales in a unique and controversial experiment. Avseenko, 36, was persuaded to strip naked as marine experts believe belugas do not like to be touched by artificial materials such as diving suits. The skilled Russian diver took the plunge into waters below minus 1.5 degrees Centigrade. The taming of the whales happened near the Arctic Circle where the average human could die if left in sub-zero temperature sea water for just five minutes. However, Natalia is a yoga expert and used meditation techniques to hold her breath and stay under water for an incredible ten minutes and 40 seconds. One of the marine biologists instrumental in convincing Avseenko to work with him said "We certainly hope this technique is successful with the Belugas but if it isn't it certainly has made working in the Arctic Circle more interesting."
Camel Ruins Petting Zoo Visit
BAKERSFIELD, California- Kids love animals. And generally, they love to see them up close. Except when those animals take the children's heads into their mouths and belch. Bob and Mary Wendt brought their kids to the Happy Critters Petting Zoo and they were hoping for a memorable Disney kind of experience. What they got was a trip to the emergency room and a future, probably filled with nightmares. "We weren't warned to not go to this area, and all of a sudden, Steve's head is in a camel's mouth and then this big bellowing belch. At first we thought his skull was crushed but it was just a camel burp," said mother Mary Wendt.
Truck Drivin' Dog Freaks Out Other Drivers
TRACY, California- Drivers in downtown Tracy put in a lot of calls to 911 after they saw a large dog driving a semi-truck through a busy part of town. Once police caught up with the vehicle they found out human driver, Bob Emmers, was crouching down so it would just look like Diesel, his 90 pound mutt, was behind the wheel. "Diesel might actually be able to steer this thing, at this point. He really loves it when I get low and make it look like he's driving. He loves the idea he looks like he's driving and when I get too close to someone he barks so I think he knows what's going on." Even though Emmers peeks over the dashboard, keeping an eye on the road police still cited him for reckless endangerment.
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