Ketchikan, ALASKA - A moose ruined the summer for 3 year old Michelle Weiss. A moose took up residence in her wading pool in early June and never left. Even if the moose did leave, the water was filled with hair and needed to be cleaned and re-filled. Once cleaned, the moose would charge back and scare off the screaming little girl just as she stepped into the pool, chasing her back into her home. For her 4th birthday Michelle has asked her parents for a gun.

HOLLYWOOD, CA - A spokesman for Fender Guitars of Corona, California is suing the makers of Just For Men over their current TV campaign. "We wouldn't be pissed off if they had used an actor who looks like he even knew how to hold a guitar. Guitars usually make people look cool. But this guy is such a dork he makes guitars look bad," explained company spokesman Mike Vaneslow. Fender is asking Just For Men to re-shoot the commercial with a less dorky actor or use a different brand guitar.

Kranszuch Key, FL-- A deer attacked a boat three miles off shore today in what has to be one of the most bizarre cases of human/animal interaction. Al Bachuber was fishing when he saw "A very determined deer coming at me in the middle of the damn ocean." The fatigued land animal got up onto Bachuber's rear swim deck and head butting the flummoxed fisherman before collapsing in exhaustion. "I know this sounds crazy but I think this deer is the same one that nearly got me to drive into a light pole the other night. Is it possible this thing is after me?" Local biologists are examining the deer.

Fairbanks, ALASKA-- A local man, Detlef Shrimp, has a lot of explaining to do. Both the DNR and the SPCA want to question Schrimp over the nature of his relationship with a local polar bear, known as PB675 to the DNR, and Betsy to Shrimp. Witnesses have given accounts of very dubious interactions between Shrimp and PB675. In his defense, the local oil industry worker said, "If Betsy wants to spend the night or give me a kiss goodbye before I get in the CAT and go off to work the pipeline, where is the harm? Am I a bad person for loving another creature so completely?"

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Dozens of pigeons have attacked tourists this summer in Golden Gate Park by flying over humans and pooping in mid-swoop. Park officials have stopped short of saying these aerial droppings are purposeful and coordinated but admit there doesn't seem to be any other explanation.

Queensland, SOUTH AFRICA - Joe Rossmeissel was determined to befriend one of the world's fiercest predators, the great white shark and succeeded. The 17 ft. female would, on command, roll over, beg and bob in the air while the animal loving local rubbed her on the nose. Until Thursday, when his "pet" shark jumped into his boat and bit him in half. Funeral services will be held at the Fisherman's Chapel, Port Lucie Harbor.

WYCKOFF, N.J. - A 15-pound cocker spaniel-poodle mix named Pawlee got into a ferocious battle with a mother bear and her two cubs and won. Pawlee suffered a few scratches but the mother bear lost an ear, part of a foot and her pancreas. When the bears wandered into Pawlee's backyard Sunday they had no idea this little 8 month old fur-ball was going to defend his turf with psychotic ferocity. Karen Edwards, Pawlee's owner, said she couldn't be more proud of her dog but after witnessing Pawlee in action her kids are a little afraid of letting him back in the house.

Pampalona, SPAIN-- Well known photographic journalist Candace Bargrun is dead. Never an award winner, Bargrun was always in the middle of the action. The last photo she shot of the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona is her first ever nationally syndicated effort.

Laramie, WYOMING -- One of the best kept secrets of the last eight years is out--Vice President Dick Cheney's brother Chuck is a nun. Sister Mary Norbert of the Sisters of Perpetual Sorrow acknowledged today that she/he is still legally Chuck Cheney, the Vice President's younger brother. Cheney insists on being referred to as Sister Mary Norbert and won't comment on whether it is widely known in the convent that a man is living among them. The Vice-President had no comment.

Rossmoor, CA - The upscale community of Rossmoor, where homes average in the 5-6 million dollar range, are not going to hire out when it comes to fighting the mountain lions that have invaded the exclusive neighborhood. "I'm anti-gun but I am hell on wheels with loud noise," reports Felicity Ralston Packard. "I'll give them both barrels of ear splitting damnation," claims Packard, who lost her toy poodle, Mr. Annuity, to a local cougar.