April 25, 2014

Best of Vague But True

It's True, I'm not Making That Up

Best of Vague But True Vol 2

The Animal Conspiracy CD

Assasin From the Deep Ruins Sunday
BIG PINE KEY, Florida- A marine mystery unfolded in the Florida Keys when something leapt from the water, punctured the lung of a woman in a kayak and returned to the ocean. Karri Larsonwas was rushed to the hospital, where she was listed in serious but stable condition. "It sounds like a houndfish," said Jason Schratwieser, of the International Game Fish Association. "Those things will jump out and impale people." The kayakers were on a "nice Sunday kayak ride," when they saw "a big fish skipping across the water," near them, then turn their way and zoom in for the kill. "It did it on purpose. I saw the look in its eyes. That fish wanted me out of the ocean," said the wheezing kayaker.
Gutsy Goats Caught Scaling Super Steep Dam
CINGINO ALPINO, Italy- Alpine Ibex goats are native to the Alps and known for their awesome climbing abilities. Although they are usually found on rocky mountain slopes 15,000 above sea-level, clearly, they have no problem navigating man-made structures, too. A herd of Ibex goats is now right at home on the near-sheer face of Cingino Dam in northern Italy. It's suggested the animals may be licking the stones for salt and minerals, while others believe the goats are simply practicing their climbing skills on the 160 foot stone wall, but at least one man worries what the goats might do to the electrical grid if they reach the top. "If they are goofy enough to climb this dam just to lick the damn rocks why wouldn't they want to take out the grid just for kicks," said Dino Scapazzi, head of Cingino maintenance.
Daughter Bleeds While Dad Poses for Picture
BIMINI, Florida- When a barracuda got off the hook inside Ed Crane's boat it chewed up his daughter Stephanie before being subdued with an oar. And once at the hospital Stephanie needed 45 stitches to close her wounds. But Dad didn't leave for the hospital until after taking some dockside photos with his prize catch. "I guess I won't win any Father of the Year awards. It was kind of dumb, but Steph' seemed fine and that' cuda was such a great catch... it was huge. Then at the hospital I heard it was 45 stitches... yeah, we should have left right away. Can't wait to get home to hear what the wife says. This should be fun."
Seagull Breaks Nose, Ruins Honeymoon
CABO SAN LUCAS, Mexico- Fred and Mindy Hoerter were starting a romantic honeymoon with a cruise on "The Love Boat," which takes young couples to a romantic private island for a two hour stint as the sole occupants. But before they got there a seagull smacked Cindy in the face, broke her nose, and ruined what was going to be a first for the nature loving couple. "We aren't what you'd call pure exhibitionists... but being outside and everything on your honeymoon... alone like that... well, we were really looking forward to it. Then that damn bird broke my face and I just wanted to go home."
Parrot Police on the Case
COVENTRY, England- Police say a parrot not only attacked thieves who broke into a pet store, but also collected evidence that could help solve the case. When burglars busted into Hobday's Pet Shop a parrot named Jack got flapping mad. "When we got into work there was blood all over and Jack was perched on his cage squawking like mad," Caroline Hobday told the press. "All the evidence looks like he scared the thieves away and spent the rest of the night patrolling the shop." Thanks to Jack, the thieves left behind a blood trail from which investigators can obtain DNA evidence. Police also recovered scraps of fabric from Jack's beak that could help pinpoint the perps. Why would a parrot help its human owners? "Jack likes our shop and its benefits. He get's capitalism. Whenever he hears the cash register go off he let's out a scream and hops into his happy dance."
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