January 31, 2015

Best of Vague But True

It's True, I'm not Making That Up

Best of Vague But True Vol 2

The Animal Conspiracy CD

Horse Shoots Park Ranger
BENTON, Louisiana- Paul Levesque and his family were visiting the zoo in Benton and one of the highlights was when a park ranger rode by on a horse and gave his son a “Junior Park Ranger” badge, then rode off. Just moments later the ranger got off his trusty steed to give his mount a drink but instead of being appreciative the horse kicked the ranger, hitting his gun, which fired a round into the ranger's leg. After seeing the man helicoptered out the park Levesque reports "My son will never go near that zoo or a horse again. In fact, he worries that the other animals in the zoo saw what this horse did and are going to break out one day and get after us. He wants us to move to the country to get away from the zoo but I told him there were more animals out there than in the zoo. That was a mistake. Now he's not sleeping."
Cougar Is Worst Ever at Finding Mate
MILFORD, Connecticut- Wildlife officials using DNA analysis of scat and hair have confirmed that a cougar killed on a Connecticut highway was born in South Dakota and passed through Minnesota, Wisconsin and Canada on the way to the east coast. The cougar’s 1,055-mile trek is a record for a wild cat, said Adrian Wydeven, with the Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources. Biologists said the young male originated in the Black Hills of South Dakota, and like all young male cougars got kicked out of its mother’s territory and began roaming, looking for habitat with food and female cougars. “As he traveled east, he found lots of deer but no females because there aren't any every place he went. What a long, frustrating trip that must have been." But James J. Moran of the Milford Evangelical Unity Church said "This could be a gay cougar that just wanted to get to New York. Usually these animals have a pretty good nose for where the females are but this one was either really bad at finding females or gay. No wonder they are endangered."
Cicada Has Special Fourth of July
WATERLOO, Iowa- Family Fourth of July celebrations often include fireworks but rarely are children traumatized after seeing a cicada shoot into the dusk on a bottle rocket. "My four year old Nina loves bugs and hates it if I even kill a spider so seeing that cicada blast off put her over the top. She hasn't talked to me in three days. I shouldn't have lit the thing but it was too perfect. The rocket was ready to go and the damn bug sat down like it wanted a ride. It was real funny then but I am payin' for it now," said Nina's father, Al Bachuber.
Bull Panics Swimmers
SANTA ROSARITA, Mexico- American revelers on vacation in this popular beach resort were shocked after getting chased into the harbor by a charging bull. "You don't come down here to stay sober," said San Diegan Pat McGuire. "I was about seven tequila shooters into the day and all of a sudden this huge thing with horns is running right for me. I froze, so I was telling my feet, 'Whoa feet dudes, get it going, this is a really fast big bad deal headed right at me.' I mean, you don't expect to see a bull at the beach, even in Mexico. My bud yanked me out of the way and we went for more shooters. Seemed to be the thing to do."
"They Crap On Our Uniforms and We Can't Shoot Back?!?"
EVERETT, Washington- The Everett Police Department's parking lot may be the least safe place in town. Crows have created a war zone where cops walk between their cruisers and the office, dive-bombing officers. Everett police Lt. Bob Johns told the Everett Herald the crows act like "velociraptors," swooping and "zinging" the officers. And retaliation isn't taken well. One officer used his siren in an effort to scare the crows. The result? Crows littered his cruiser with droppings. Ruth Milner, a biologist with the state Department of Fish and Wildlife, tells the Everett newspaper the birds' aggressive behavior aims only to protect their young offspring in nearby nests. Plus, crows can recognize people's individual features and hold grudges. Since everyone wears the same uniform, now all officers are getting the same crappy treatment. The police force has decided to give way to the angry birds and let this season pass. But one officer, Sergeant Hector Manley, is not happy about this approach. "Aren't we the cops? Every cruiser has a shotgun and every officer carries pepper spray. Do we just let them crap our uniforms without fighting back?!?"
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