January 16, 2017

Time Bedore - Standing Up

Best of Vague But True Vol 2

The Animal Conspiracy CD

Fish Love Balls
LITCHFIELD, Illinois- The pacu, a toothy fish native to the Amazon that can weigh up to 55 pounds, has been spotted in Lake Lou Yaeger in Illinois. Lake superintendent Jim Caldwell said pacus primarily eat nuts, aquatic vegetation and snails and pose no real threat to humans but residents of Papua New Guinea beg to differ. There, the pacu is known as the "ball cutter," because several fisherman have died from blood loss after something in the water had bitten off their testicles. Because pacus are native to the Amazon Basin, any in the Illinois lake are likely former aquarium pets but local resident Bob Weber said, "Why are we so sure of that? Why aren't they moving north? There's lots of unsuspecting testicles swimming in our lakes. Why wouldn't they come up here? That's just nature at work. I can tell you this. If I am swimming somewhere that is not a pool, I'll be wearing a cup."
Squirrel Proof Bird Feeder Made Into Home By Squirrel
ROSHOLT, Wisconsin- Humans have long tried to keep squirrels off their bird feeders and many designs have been tried, but all have been beaten by the squirrels. But only one has not only failed to keep squirrels from stealing the bird's feed but also become a squirrel condo. The "Birds and Only Birds" feeder guaranteed to thwart squirrels from feeding but at least the one put up in Rick and Katie Rettlers yard has not only failed but one determined squirrel decided to make it home. "I give up," said Katie Rettler. "It's like they are mocking me now."
Photoshopped Photo Hurts Mall Business
BLOOMINGTON, Minnesota- The Mall of America has had great success with their SEALIFE adventure center offering certified divers a chance to swim with the sharks in their aquarium. But when a photo on the internet, showing sharks swimming near escalators, went viral MOA suffered a 37% drop in business over the weekend. The photo is certainly not from the Mall of America which did not have a catastrophic aquarium failure allowing sharks to wander around the mall and was probably not real in the first place but posts on social media sites claiming to have seen sharks in the hallways at MOA went viral and may have kept a lot of people away.
Family Cat Protects Family From Bigger Cat
SIOUX FALLS, South Dakota- The Buck and Mary Beth Holtz family never thought twice about leaving the patio door open because they lived so far out in the country they couldn't imagine it would ever be a problem. That is, until a mountain lion wandered in one day while Mary and the kids were watching cartoons. "Damn thing just came in like it owned the place. We were all sitting there with our jaws open, paralyzed, but All-Star (their cat) jumped on its head and started growling. My youngest picked up my phone and took a picture, like we were at the zoo, but this was a mountain lion in our house." According to Holtz, the cougar looked at Spongebob Squarepants for a few seconds, then headed back outside with All-Star still growling menacingly on its head. When All-Star returned he was rewarded with an entire tin of tuna fish.
Tipsy Chipmunk Ruins Pool Party
HOPE, Arkansas- Although they are probably thought to be the cutest of the rodent family, at least one chipmunk is nothing but ugly for the Kyle Cooter family. "Every time we get in the pool that flippin' chippee comes out and goes after the drinks. Margaritas or gimlets, whatever is out on the table, it drinks, then staggers off, then everybody wants a new one 'cuz the little beast had its lips on it. Damn thing can put it away, too," said Carl Cooter.
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