Kenyan Monkeys Make 'Lewd Signs' At Women
NAIROBI, Kenya- A troop of monkeys has been making "lewd signs" at women trying to harvest crops south of Nairobi. Local constable Paul Muite said his constituents fear the monkeys could sexually harass them, and that, "These creatures clearly have no respect for women." Gichuki Kabukuru, a spokesman for Kenya Wildlife Service, said monkeys and baboons have a penchant for harassing women rather than men, and even gesturing at them and touching their own private parts. According to locals, the animals have become so aggressive that women have taken to dressing up like men, wearing trousers and long-sleeve shirts.
Coyote Captured In Harlem
NEW YORK, New York- Harlem locals have something new to fear- wild coyotes. A young coyote was captured yesterday on 155th St. and Broadway. She's the third wild coyote to be caught in the city. Experts say the coyotes "probably walk down the Amtrak rail corridor along the Hudson River or swim down the Hudson River until they get to the city. It's normal behavior. We won't panic until the coyotes actually learn how to ride inside the Amtrak trains."
"There's a 'Coon in My Pants!"
TERWILLIGER, Louisiana- Doris Duke has never forgiven herself for drinking alcohol throughout her pregnancy. "I just thought all those warnings at the doctor's office were plain hooey. I never would have drunk like that if I knew it was real." Today her teenage son, David Duke Jr. suffers from deficient social skills. So, when David came into the house, saying "There's a 'coon in my pants, there's a 'coon in my pants," his Mom didn't take him seriously. "He's going through puberty, so at first I figured it was some sort of crude joke. Then I thought the boy was just acting up. Then he had me look out the window. There was a 'coon in his pants."
Cougar Has No Fear of God or Man
DANSKIN, Canada- Armed with nothing more than a scrub rag, a mother in British Columbia rescued her 7-year-old son from a cougar outside their church. David Metzler Jr. was pinned down in the snow by a cougar and bleeding from his scalp when his mother Mary ran out of church and brandished her scrub rag. "I saw this animal on top of my son and I knew if I went back to call for help, it would be too late." So she smacked the animal on the head with the scrub rag. "I just took it and hit him in the face and cleaned his clock," Metzler told reporters. The cougar had attacked the boy about three yards outside the church door.
Moose Seduces Man
GRAND RAPIDS, Minnesota- Lori Gamez has seen enough and filed for divorce from her husband, Rob. "I have felt the alienation and withholding of affection but I suspected my sister. Now I know the truth. It was a moose. My sister is a large woman, but this is a whole 'nother level of ridiculous," said the frustrated public relations consultant. Rob Gamez denies having had carnal contact with the moose but admits to having strong feelings that are, "More along the lines of being a nature lover than anything else,"insisted the high school wrestling coach.