NAIROBI, Kenya- A troop of monkeys has been making "lewd signs" at women trying to harvest crops south of Nairobi. Local constable Paul Muite said his constituents fear the monkeys could sexually harass them, and that, "These creatures clearly have no respect for women." Gichuki Kabukuru, a spokesman for Kenya Wildlife Service, said monkeys and baboons have a penchant for harassing women rather than men, and even gesturing at them and touching their own private parts. According to locals, the animals have become so aggressive that women have taken to dressing up like men, wearing trousers and long-sleeve shirts.

NEW YORK, New York- Harlem locals have something new to fear- wild coyotes. A young coyote was captured yesterday on 155th St. and Broadway. She's the third wild coyote to be caught in the city. Experts say the coyotes "probably walk down the Amtrak rail corridor along the Hudson River or swim down the Hudson River until they get to the city. It's normal behavior. We won't panic until the coyotes actually learn how to ride inside the Amtrak trains."

TERWILLIGER, Louisiana- Doris Duke has never forgiven herself for drinking alcohol throughout her pregnancy. "I just thought all those warnings at the doctor's office were plain hooey. I never would have drunk like that if I knew it was real." Today her teenage son, David Duke Jr. suffers from deficient social skills. So, when David came into the house, saying "There's a 'coon in my pants, there's a 'coon in my pants," his Mom didn't take him seriously. "He's going through puberty, so at first I figured it was some sort of crude joke. Then I thought the boy was just acting up. Then he had me look out the window. There was a 'coon in his pants."

DANSKIN, Canada- Armed with nothing more than a scrub rag, a mother in British Columbia rescued her 7-year-old son from a cougar outside their church. David Metzler Jr. was pinned down in the snow by a cougar and bleeding from his scalp when his mother Mary ran out of church and brandished her scrub rag. "I saw this animal on top of my son and I knew if I went back to call for help, it would be too late." So she smacked the animal on the head with the scrub rag. "I just took it and hit him in the face and cleaned his clock," Metzler told reporters. The cougar had attacked the boy about three yards outside the church door.

GRAND RAPIDS, Minnesota- Lori Gamez has seen enough and filed for divorce from her husband, Rob. "I have felt the alienation and withholding of affection but I suspected my sister. Now I know the truth. It was a moose. My sister is a large woman, but this is a whole 'nother level of ridiculous," said the frustrated public relations consultant. Rob Gamez denies having had carnal contact with the moose but admits to having strong feelings that are, "More along the lines of being a nature lover than anything else,"insisted the high school wrestling coach.

ONTARIO, Canada- Federal authorities are certain someone is operating an illegal drug lab producing human growth hormones and steroids but have not been able to find it in the thick forest west of Sault Ste. Marie. Now, they suspect a moose may have found the lab and ingested the body building chemicals. The bull is over eight feet at the shoulder and 12 feet at the rack. "Seemed to have an attitude, too," said Royal Canadian Mountie, Dabney Dunwhite, who witnessed the behemoth.

CAPE TOWN, South Africa- Experts say the shark attack that killed a tourist off the South Africa coast on Tuesday was a particularly rare occurrence, considering the relentless manner in which the animal apparently attacked the man. Witness described a gruesome scene from "Jaws." An innocent tourist, Thomas Lee Bauman, was targeted by a "dinosaur-sized" Great White shark who struck three times, leaving nothing but "a pool of blood in the water." One official said, "It didn't bite him and let him go, as Great Whites normally do. It came back and carried on eating." Bauman made over 1 billion dollars on Wall Street in 2003, alone.

CAIRO, Egypt- Ellen Honegraff had a goal of visiting Egypt by the time she turned 50. Stepping off the plane in Cairo on the last day of her 49th year, it seemed she was going to get there. Then a camel grabbed her by the head and ruined everything. The dastardly dromedary, clamped its jaws on her head, and instead of giving her a ride past the pyramids, snapped her neck. Funeral arrangements are pending.

MASON CITY, Illinois- The invasion of non-native species of carp has been problematic for several states on the Mississippi river but now some people are ascribing a method to the fish's madness. "I believe these fish hate capitalism," said restaurant owner Doc Means. "They attack recreational boaters because being out in a 'pleasure craft' on a 'weekend' is the epitome of the 'fruits of capitalism.' These jealous fish don't have boats or weekends because they are not capitalists." Some locals are rallying behind Means' call to arms but others see this as a way to drum up business for his restaurant's Friday night fish fry.

HANDNNIT, Afghanistan- A few nations have pitched in to help the United States in the war on terror but only one other species, man's best friend, has fought side by side with American soldiers. Dogs are even air dropping into combat zones alongside their Western human counterparts to fight terrorism. "They benefit from democracy and capitalism so why wouldn't they help us," said General Stanley McCrystal.