February 06, 2016

Best of Vague But True

It's True, I'm not Making That Up

Best of Vague But True Vol 2

The Animal Conspiracy CD

I Love You So Much... I Really Do...
... Petersen, an amateur photographer from Kansas City, MO, said "From the way they act when they are out on a date these bears are more like us than you'd ever think."
"They're Trying To Ruin Our Christmas"
FAIRBANKS, Alaska- Archerd and Maxine Johnson thought they had seen it all after living 78 years in Alaska. From moose in their jacuzzi to fox sleeping on their couch to chipmunks in their sock drawers, the local wildlife had made their presence known in every possible way. Until, that is, three polar bears decided to camp out, every day, in their driveway. "We can't back out of our own garage. And I don't think our children will bring the grand kids over for Christmas Eve if there are polar bears on the way to front door. Why won't the DNR or somebody do something about this? They're endangered species so we're not allowed to push them out of the way with the car, but I'd sure like to."
Deer Tries To Corrupt Cat
ISHPEMING, Michigan- Dorothy Powers fears her cat, Mr. Dexter, is being turned to the dark side by the deer that visit her sun porch. "Mr. Dexter is the most delightful cat I have ever had," said the frightened senior. "That is, until these deer started visiting. After they talk to him through the glass he goes beserk, knocking over my cane, crashing through the dishes on the counter, knocking over candles. If my husband were alive he'd take the gun out there and end this thing but all I can do is yell at Mr. Dexter and hope he comes to his senses." Mrs. Powers noted her husband, the late Dexter Powers was an avid deer hunter.
Otter Couldn't Be Odder
BOCA RATON, Florida- A third person in Boca Raton has been bitten by an otter that authorities say could have rabies. 19-year-old college student William Gibbons was videotaping the otter with his camera phone as it swam in a lake behind his house. The otter appears harmless enough as it swims around, but then, "It walked out onto the grass and then just bit me. It was quick. It was like lightning. It chased after me and I ran like a chicken, screaming, high pitched, baby screams until I made it into our screened porch. It's all very embarrassing. I am never going to video animals that could attack me again," said Gibbons. An otter attacked two other people and a dog in the same area. Earlier this year, two men in Venice, Florida were also injured when a "vicious" otter attacked them. "Otters used to be cute, breaking shell fish on their stomach. Now they attack our kids. I blame Nancy Pelosi," said Nona Gibbons, the victim's mother.
Pack of Killer 'Coons Ambushes Innocent Human
ALAMEDA, California- It started with "a pair of eyes." It ended with an Alameda woman screaming, her terrified dog going into an epileptic seizure and a pack of angry raccoons inflicting a puncture wound in her leg. Rachel Campos de Ivanov was walking her 20-pound Yorkshire terrier when she spotted the glowing eyes behind a baseball diamond fence. The eyes belonged to a raccoon that climbed up and over the fence and started walking toward her, and was soon joined by four more raccoons that silently descended from nearby trees. Campos de Ivanov tried to get away, but tripped. "I felt like Jamie Lee Curtis in that slasher movie where she wants to run from the creep with the hockey mask but can't get her legs to move. It is so pathetic but that is really what happens. I thought they just made up that pathetic-girl-can't-run thing for the movies." Campos de Ivanov hoped they'd leave her alone but the raccoons kept coming and that's when one of the assailants sunk its teeth into her leg. Alameda County is investigating the attack, the seventh reported since June.
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