January 16, 2017

Time Bedore - Standing Up

Best of Vague But True Vol 2

The Animal Conspiracy CD

Dolphin Joins Party, Makes Friends
MARCO ISLAND, Florida- Lt. Keith Perry has responded to hundreds of bizarre distress calls, but has never seen anything like this. Perry and his Rescue Department crew removed a 600-pound dolphin from a Marco Island charter boat after getting an emergency call from its captain, Brian Spina. Spina was following a group of dolphins on the Marco River when one mistimed its jump and leapt into the 24-foot pontoon boat named “Cool Beans.” A woman was hurt but otherwise those on board had "lots of fun talking to the dolphin who was very calm and seemed to enjoy getting back rubs from everyone." Spina reports, "One really put together 24 year old was this dolphin's favorite. God, she was hot. Dolphin thought so, too. Chattered like a tomcat when she rubbed him. Thought we were going to have to tell the dolphin to get a room."
Duck Takes Meeting With Humans
FORT MEYERS, Florida- Todd Griffith, a mechanical engineer, was sitting in a conference room before a meeting when a large Muscovy duck smashed through a window and ended up in the seat beside him. "I heard a loud boom, looked to my left and there was a duck sitting next to me," he said. "And the duck looked at me like, 'What are you doing here?'" The unflappable fowl then jumped onto a table and began calmly strutting around the conference room as Griffith watched in amazement. "The odd thing was the meeting was on how to keep ducks and geese out of the ponds around our building. I was opposed to getting shotguns before but now I am voting for that proposal"
"The Only Way Out Is To Shoot the Damn Thing"
PARK RIDGE, Wisconsin- Bill Krause has been trapped in his home much of the winter due to a deer that won't leave his porch. "I've called the DNR and police and they say I have to deal with it myself but that I can't shoot firearms in the city limits. What am I supposed to do? I'm getting hungry. I gotta' get to the store. They've stopped delivering my mail," said the frustrated and hungry resident.
"There's a Deer in my Closet"
EAGAN, Minnesota- Colleen Slattery screamed as deer crashed through her bedroom window, leapt over her bed and through the walk-in closet into the bathroom. "I was terrified," she said. Moments earlier, a loud bang had startled her and her boyfriend awake. Beau Williams jumped from bed thinking a burglar was busting in but saw big beige animals crash through the window of their Eagan apartment. "Crap," he said. "It's deer." Slattery frantically called 911. "There's deer in my closet," she said. "And there's a goat in my pantry," said the dispatcher. "Do you know it's illegal to make calls like this to 911?" But Slattery wasn't the only resident facing a wildlife invasion. Eric Tantilla had called 911 seconds earlier. After numerous calls from residents saying that deer were attempting to invade their apartments the 911 operators sent police who couldn't believe what they found. Several deer had attempted to enter resident's apartments, with some having obvious success. On Monday, Williams and Slattery waited as a hazardous material removal crew cleaned up the bloody mess and workers replaced broken windows. "It looks like a murder scene," Slattery said. "We haven't been able to sleep much," she said. "We jump with every noise."
Cocky Cock Kills Cock Fight Customer
DELANO, California- A California man attending a cockfight has died after being stabbed in the leg by a bird that had a knife attached to one of its limbs. 35-year-old Jose Luis Ochoa was declared dead after he suffered the injury. An autopsy concluded Ochoa died of an accidental "sharp force injury" to his right calf. "When deputies arrived, people started fleeing," Sgt. Martin King told KGET in Bakersfield. "One of the roosters jumped at the decedent, inflicting an injury and causing his death." A man who wished to remain anonymous said, "This is going to be bad for business. When cocks kill customers, it makes it that much harder to get butts in seats. I may have to start doing a two for one deal on tickets."
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