Taliban Trains Evil Shooting Monkees
KABUL, Pakistan- A Chinese news publication has reported that the Taliban are training monkeys to shoot American soldiers. Coalition forces have the most sophisticated weaponry in the world, from fighter jets to laser weapons to highly trained soldiers. But the Taliban is investing in monkeys. According to Friday’s report, based on British intelligence, the Taliban is training species of more attractive simians to use weapons and fight against American soldiers. U.S. intelligence experts now classify these animals as "monkey terrorists." Reporters in the Afghanistan-Pakistan border region, have allegedly taken photos of "monkey soldiers" holding AK-47 rifles and Bren light machine guns. "They're awfully cute, but like in the Wizard of Oz... these monkeys are bad ass," said Lt. Frank Prinzi of Buffalo, NY.
Flamin' Rat Fires Up Furious Vets
YAKIMA, Washington- A fire that heavily damaged a Veterans of Foreign Wars building in Yakima, Wash.,is being blamed on a rat, fire officials said. Investigators say the rat chewed through an electrical cord Friday, setting itself on fire, then ran to its nest in a storage closet filled with flammable materials, and the resultant blaze spread through the building. The fire damaged what VFW members say were priceless war memorabilia including the sword General Prescott Tush used to defend himself against a moose attack while mapping the Northwest Territories for President Jackson.
Bear Hates Fishermen
VICTORIA, British Columbia- A Canadian man is recovering after a black bear swam across a river, climbed onto a dock and then jumped on a boat and attacked him. Conservation officer Gord Hitchcock said Wednesday the 52-year-old man was fishing at a marina in a tiny coastal community off Canada's Pacific coast when the bear mauled him. Hitchcock says people tried to help the man using poles, knives and a hammer to pull the bear off of him. Fire Chief Dan Tennant said he's never heard of such an incident in an area where the bears are normally docile. "One friend even tried to help out with a pinch nose pliers but didn't get very far," said Tennant.
Surfin' Crocs Cross Pacific
CANBERRA, Australia- Crocodiles can surf ocean currents to journey across open seas according to the "Journal of Animal Ecology" which explains how the world's largest living reptile came to occupy so many South Pacific islands despite having little stamina for swimming. Like a surfer catching a wave, crocodiles ride currents to cross hundreds of miles of open sea, study author Hamish Campbell said. Campbell used sonar transmitters to track a 13-foot male that surfed ocean currents 367 miles to meet with other crocs before returning home. "Why he went there, we have absolutely no idea. But it appears he had some meetings with these other crocs and surfed back home," Campbell said.
Bear Terrorizes L.A. Freeway
LOS ANGELES, California- A Southern California freeway was shut down while state wildlife officials tried to remove a bear that wandered into lanes. Lt. Kerry Carter says the adult black bear walked onto the freeway, which had to be closed for much of the morning commute.
Fish and Game Department workers eventually cornered the bear in a flood control channel, and tranquilized it with a dart gun. "I had a big position I was going to pull the trigger on but missed the trading dead line because of this flippin' bear," said angry bond trader Stormy Kroemer, who got stuck in traffic and a cell phone dead spot on the way to downtown Los Angeles, 20 miles away.