"There's a 'Coon in My Pants!"
TERWILLIGER, Louisiana- Doris Duke has never forgiven herself for drinking alcohol throughout her pregnancy. "I just thought all those warnings at the doctor's office were plain hooey. I never would have drunk like that if I knew it was real." Today her teenage son, David Duke Jr. suffers from deficient social skills. So, when David came into the house, saying "There's a 'coon in my pants, there's a 'coon in my pants," his Mom didn't take him seriously. "He's going through puberty, so at first I figured it was some sort of crude joke. Then I thought the boy was just acting up. Then he had me look out the window. There was a 'coon in his pants."
Cougar Has No Fear of God or Man
DANSKIN, Canada- Armed with nothing more than a scrub rag, a mother in British Columbia rescued her 7-year-old son from a cougar outside their church. David Metzler Jr. was pinned down in the snow by a cougar and bleeding from his scalp when his mother Mary ran out of church and brandished her scrub rag. "I saw this animal on top of my son and I knew if I went back to call for help, it would be too late." So she smacked the animal on the head with the scrub rag. "I just took it and hit him in the face and cleaned his clock," Metzler told reporters. The cougar had attacked the boy about three yards outside the church door.
Moose Seduces Man
GRAND RAPIDS, Minnesota- Lori Gamez has seen enough and filed for divorce from her husband, Rob. "I have felt the alienation and withholding of affection but I suspected my sister. Now I know the truth. It was a moose. My sister is a large woman, but this is a whole 'nother level of ridiculous," said the frustrated public relations consultant. Rob Gamez denies having had carnal contact with the moose but admits to having strong feelings that are, "More along the lines of being a nature lover than anything else,"insisted the high school wrestling coach.
Christmas Hating Coyotes Causing Flight Delays
RALEIGH, North Carolina- Travelers flying in and out of Raleigh-Durham International Airport have more than long security lines to worry about this holiday season because of a sudden increase in coyotes on the runway, causing major take-off and landing delays. Airport workers and federal wildlife agents try to scare the coyotes off with cap guns and bottle rockets, but that doesn't keep them from dashing out in front of taxiing and landing planes. Earlier this year, a coyote was hit by a American Eagle jet trying to land. "They go after planes when they are most vulnerable-- during the landing," said Leroy Bauman, co-director of airport security. "You almost want to arm our smaller planes so the pilots can blast away coyotes that approach the runway. It's doable. A lot of commercial pilots have combat experience but that approach might freak out the passengers."
Police Suspect Moose Killed Woman
STOCKHOLM, Sweden- Swedish police say they've cleared a man arrested for murdering his wife after deciding the culprit was most likely a moose. Police spokesman Ulf Bockwinkle says "The improbable has become probable" in the puzzling death of 63-year old Agneta Westlund. She was found dead after an evening stroll in the forest. According to news reports, the victim's husband, Ingemar Westlund, was jailed but the case against him was dropped when lab results showed hairs and saliva from a moose on the victim's clothes. "Ingemar always insisted there was a moose that had it in for his wife, and I guess the lab proved him right," said Bockwinkle.