January 19, 2018
Fun with the Sky Mall Catalog
I had a travel day from hell last weekend. Why? The plane broke. So, Five hours after getting to the airport I was finally sitting on a working plane headed to... Sacramento, to connect to San Jose to connect to Los Angeles... because, quote, "Mr. Bedore, that's the best we can do."

Not true, the best you can do is a foot massage in first class on the next direct flight out of here. And if you're not going to do that be honest and say "Mr. Bedore, we already have your money and you can't walk home from here, so shut up and enjoy Sacramento."

Anyway, we're finally in the air, I'm a little jacked up, and for whatever reason I started browsing through that sky mall catalog that sells all those gadgets. And to get some of my frustration out I began adding my own nasty little epithets to each product's slug line.

Like the Tootsie Tanner, an ultra violet device that tans your feet. The slug line said "Unsightly sock lines will be a thing of the past." To which I added-- If you're so stupid you forgot to take your shoes off at the beach and want to waste $169.95. After saying that I felt myself decompressing.

There was an ultra sonic device to stop annoying noise from your neighbor's pet and the slug line was "The safe and effective way to solve your barking dog problem." To which I added-- That doesn't involve poisoned meat or jail time. My blood pressure slid down to near normal.

Another slug-line said "Carry a 12 1/2 foot telescoping ladder in the trunk of your car." Because you never know when you might get stuck in traffic and want to hang yourself for only $339.

There was a picture of a backyard pool with a cooler sitting in an inner tube ringed by cup holders which were filled with cocktails and the owner's name was stenciled on the side of the cooler. "Personalized free! Insulated floating cooler." For the swimming alcoholic that doesn't care to be anonymous.

On page 133 there was a picture of a sirloin steak fresh off the grill with someone's initials burned into it. "Personalized branding iron for your barbecue." For the bachelor cook who can't wait to not get laid.

There was a cat door on pg. 97 that was activated to open by a magnet worn on your pet's collar. "Electro_magnetic cat door." Hey Dads. Minus the magnet, kitty can't get in. Your wife will never suspect you or your money back.

On page 90 there was a bracelet with the words 'Protect this woman' engraved on the inside of the band and precious stones on the outside. "Protect this woman." Because kidnappers will take orders from jewelry.

What's my point? If you're flying this summer and don't want to turn into a walking_talking muscle spasm, don't see yourself as an airline customer who has rights or human dignity, instead see yourself in a flying divorce court. You just want to get out of there with as little financial and emotional damage as possible. And one way to maintain sanity is to re_write the Sky Mall catalog.