January 19, 2018
If They Could Vote with Their Minds
I was at a dinner party last week and all we could talk about was the election... and for a moment whether flan is a pudding or a custard, but mostly the election.

A guy wearing jeans and 800 dollar Italian loafers said "If people in Palm County screwed up and voted for Pat Buchanan, tough nuts." But someone in a stylishly un-constructed sport coat responded, "Should Bush win because a bunch of elderly Jews mistakenly voted for a Nazi? They feel horrible. Let 'em re-vote. If they could vote with their minds instead of a punch card Gore would win." The guy with the shoes said, "If Palm county voted with their mind a potato knish would win.

I was wearing Rockports and said, "You know who wins? The media. We're watching live coverage of people counting votes by hand. This story is Dan Rather's wet dream. He's hoppin' around like a west Texas puppy on a hot plate."

Then a guy with cocktail sauce on his sleeve said "Gore annoys me. Intellectually, he's just so full of himself." And then his wife said, "And, Bush intellectually... is not full. And Honey, get your sleeve out of the dip."

The host said "Let's not get into a food fight here. We're one country. There shouldn't be rioting in the streets." I said, "Rioting in the streets? It's Gore and Bush. Who could get that excited?"

A woman wearing really expensive peasant clothing, like Stevie Nicks, said she was going to chop down a redwood tree just to tick off Ralph Nader.

And then a philosophical, poetic, writer type, with a goatee and over-priced little wire rim glasses, tried to sum it all up, proclaiming "Oh what a tangled web we have woven, when we try to determine what the people have spoken." And everyone thought for a moment... and started arguing again. I said, you know what sums this whole thing up for me? I know people who, before the election, got pre-recorded calls from Clinton and Bob Dole. Although the T.V. was on loud so I'm not sure, but I think I got a call from Sonny Bono. (I didn't get a call from the former Sonny Bono but a few people believed me)

This I am certain of we need to get this election straightened out fairly soon or the holiday dinner season is going to be a mess. Last year my brother-in-law nearly hit me with a gravy ladle and we were just discussing Monica Lewinsky. I don't want to debate something important like whether the Presidency was stolen while he's holding an electric carving knife.

And oddly enough, depending on which way the stock market goes the smartest career move for Gore or Bush might be to concede the election and leave the other guy holding the chad bag.