January 18, 2018
Computer Lemon-law
I have seen the future of politics and its name is T.J. Rooney.

T.J. Rooney is a state legislator in Pennsylvania who believes computer consumers are being ripped off by the hi-tech industry and wants to, by law, force them to sell a product that either works or you get your money back. And because of T.J. Rooney's computer lemon-law I may move to Philadelphia. Or Hershey, because I love chocolate and hate my computer.

If the computer industry represents the future of America then we're driving into the next millenium in a Pinto. And there's no future in an economy that explodes in flames when you back into a light pole.

Besides the computer business what other industry gets away with making the consumer spend hours fixing their faulty product? Because that's exactly what happens when you buy a PC that doesn't work.

My current computer is the Gateway to Hell. The last in a series of crashes came as a result of the toll-free doormen to the Gateway to Hell giving me the wrong sound card driver to download and install, and that crashed my system and then their solution was to reformat the drive and reload Windows. Like I have nothing better to do with my time AND no files that my life and career and sanity depend on. So I say words to that effect and the tech guy on the phone says "Well, don't you back up your files?" Yes, but not every minute. Do I have to plan on your product screwing up on a regular basis? How long would an elevator company stay in business if you called up and said "Our elevator is stuck on the 14th floor, people are going crazy in there, what are we going to do?" And the elevator company said "Well... you have to re-install it. But we'll help you... over the phone."

I used to think the neo-luddites were crazy but now I long for the days of the IBM Selectric and carbon paper and mimeograph machines. I loved the smell of that purple ink and our educational system was in much better shape when we had to show our work on a separate sheet of paper. What was wrong with caligraphy? What's the point of instant chat and buddylists when in a 30 second phone call you can say everything that it takes you three minutes to type?

The reality of it is, if you are re-installing the operating system on your computer because of their mistakes you are working for them. You're not going to get invited to the company Christmas party but you're doing their job and paying them for the privilege.

So I beseech you now, all hail the future of politics... T.J. Rooney. Take care of us T.J. Give us a computer lemon law. Give us pure, righteous, working computers that won't shove us kicking and screaming through the Gateways of Hell. And if T.J. fails in his efforts then please make me your King. Just for three days. On day one I will fix the computer industry, on day two I will ban astro-turf and domed stadiums and on day three I will demand appropriate leg room for people over 5 feet tall be put back on every plane in America.