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What to say when they won’t take the flu shot
It’s Fall and time for the seasons to change, for baseball to give way to football and to get your flu shot. Getting your flu shot is certainly not as time honored an event as the others but it should become one of the most cherished of American autumnal traditions. Why? Because it would save us hundreds of millions of dollars per year in health costs and untold billions in Kleenex. Imagine how many trees will be saved because you aren’t a mucous machine for weeks and weeks every winter.
I am not a doctor and I don’t play one on T.V. but let me clear up a few common misconceptions about flu shots— first, they don’t give you the flu. That’s an urban myth started by an old wive’s tale that is now an intractable part of American folk lore. If you got the flu after you got your flu shot it was because you were already getting the flu when you got your flu shot.
But they, and I think you know who they are, say the biggest reason people are reluctant to get flu shots is... the shot. Big corporations try to give flu shots away right at the office so they won’t have sick employees and lose millions in lost productivity and still the highest compliance rate most companies get is 30%. If the vaccine was in a flu candy or flu popsicles, corporations might get everyone to do it yet because 70% of American adults are chicken, they choose to have headaches, running noses, aching bones and a wrenching gut to one tiny little flu shot.
And I’m not saying shots are fun, they’re not. But for the good of the country, the health and welfare of your family and this great nation... and to save us all a bunch of money... we need to roll up our sleeves and get to work wiping out the flu.
I know a lot of you have trouble getting a shot so here are some tips to make getting your flu vaccine a painless experience— get wild-eyed drunk before you go in. This technique brings up a driving or being drunk at the job issue so unless you take the bus or work for Amtrak this may not be for you. Actually, the best thing to do is be honest with the nurse or doctor and say you are nervous, is there anything they can do to help relieve the stress of the moment? They will say quit being such a big baby and shame you into dealing with it like an adult.
But if you run a company and want your employees to take shots, here’s an idea: provide buckets of ice cubes for people to put on their arms to deaden a spot before the shot, as a distraction have a dog and pony show off to their right as they get shot in their left arm AND tell everyone that the nurses are injecting them on the count of five. Of course, you tell the nurses to hit ‘em with the shot while they are saying "Just watch the nice dogs and ponies and relax and when I count to five I am going to gently give you the shot. You may feel a little stick but that’s all." Before the nurse even starts counting to five the shot is over and you’ll be saving millions.
What the squirrels taught me about the welfare system
I learned something about the welfare system from a squirrel. We have this new birdfeeder but when I put it up the only thing feeding on it was squirrels. I lost sleep trying to devise a way to keep those damn squirrels from jumping out of the tree and onto my bird feeder. I nailed so many obstacle pieces of wood to the top of the bird feeder that it looks like the Swiss Family Robinson House. But the squirrels kept figuring out a way to defeat my best laid plans and steal a free lunch.
It was killing me that I couldn’t outsmart a squirrel. And then I realized two things: I was trying to fight nature and I have way too much time on my hands. Oh I could win. I could have nails sticking up through the roof of the bird feeder and shish-ka-bob the next freeloading squirrel that jumps onto it but that is harsher than I am prepared to be. The fact is the squirrels are willing to work harder than the birds to get my free food.
And if you feed the birds in such a way that they don’t have to compete for their food are you teaching them to be dependant on you and not their instincts? Maybe. Are you fooling with Mother Nature? Yes. Do condoms fool with Mother Nature? Yes. Is it a good idea to fool Mother Nature sometimes? Big-time yes. But yet birds need help to survive. Squirrels don’t need any help. Squirrels are the welfare queens of the backyard eco-system. One time at the golf course a squirrel stole my 5-wood clubhead cover. Don’t trust squirrels.
What’s my point? How can the nuts in Washington make sure welfare goes to birds and not the squirrels? I’m not sure but unless you’re willing to sit near the feeder with a B.B. gun my guess is, if you’re giving away free food to the birds you’re always going to end up feeding squirrels, too.
You all do it so quit pointing fingers
President Clinton took in illegal campaign funds and should be impeached. The stench around Clinton is so putrid we should swear in Al Gore as President as soon as possible. And then of course we have to impeach Gore because he campaigned with the same funds that Clinton did so he stinks and has to be booted out too. The next person in line of succession to the President is Newt Gingrich. Well, if Clinton and Gore have stink on them there’s not enough soap in the world to get the smell off Gingrich so you’ll never hear the words, "I, Newt Gingrich, solemnly swear..."
Next in line of succession is the President Pro Tempore of the Senate. I don’t know who that is specifically but I know he’s a Senator, he’s a Republican and he campaigned with the same money that Gingrich campaigned with so he’s out too. Which makes Secretary of State, Madeliene Albright the President of the United States. But she very likely was at meetings or coffees where illegal campaign funds were discussed or raised so the first woman President of the United States has to be booted out as soon as she is sworn in.
In fact there aren’t many Democrats or Republicans that didn’t benefit from illegal campaign funds and therefore, after we impeach the President and the 16 people behind him in the line of succession, the next President of the United States will be... Ross Perot. Yes, because Perot campaigned with his own money, that little floppy eared psycho is the only candidate left standing. Obviously we can’t do something as suicidal as putting Ross the nutcase into the White House so instead of punishing everybody in Washington why don’t we just fix the campaign financing laws and leave it at that?
But if we can’t fix campaign finance laws or reduce the cost of running for President, how bad is it that people spend money to sleep in the Lincoln Bedroom? A long as these people don’t demand the President change foreign policy or claim that cigarettes are as addictive as milk, where’s the harm? The Lincoln bedroom wasn’t even built until the Truman administration so it’s not a sacred shrine. In fact, if it would reduce the influence of big corporate money in Presidential campaigns I wouldn’t mind them turning the Rose Garden into an R.V. park.
Keep toenail fungus off my T.V.
Television has gotten disgusting. Some people are upset by the overt sexuality of prime time shows. Others by the non-stop focus on violence. I am disgusted by that commercial for toenail fungus. Have you seen that?
The other night my wife and I were eating dinner, watching the national news and this commercial comes on and says "thousands of people suffer from thick, yellow, brittle toenails due to toenail fungus". I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. First of all, feet are disgusting anyway but is there a more nauseating image than thick, yellow, brittle toenails... during dinner? How the hell did that get on my T.V.? I don’t want that disgusting imagery in my house.
And then I got to thinking, how much of a problem is this toenail fungus? Can there be so many people with toenail fungus that they have to advertise during the national news? I go to the beach. I go to places where people wear sandals. And I’m telling you, if lots of people had yucky toenails I’d know about it because I can’t help but notice stuff like that. I’d notice and not go to the beach anymore if lots of people had those thick, yellow, brittle, toenails.
And if you have crummy toenails, please don’t think that I am saying you yourself are disgusting or gross or that you have less value as a person. All I am saying is I don’t want pictures of your toenails or drawings of them or references made to them on my T.V. while I am eating.
I hope you get treatment for your problem toenails but I just wish you and the rest of those afflicted with this eyesore of a disease could hear about this new product through a direct mail campaign or... just somewhere else other than my T.V. during dinner. I’m still having a hard time swallowing anything that’s crunchy.
Infants in Sri Lanka work for 58 cents a year
My Vague But True line of clothing is coming out. It’s being made by newborns on the island of Sri Lanka. I pay them 58 cents a year. That may sound unfair but I’ve heard of Sri Lankan toddlers that are doing heavy construction for just a nickel a month. Now, those kids are getting ripped off. You may be shocked to learn that kids who can’t feed themselves are handling welding torches but it’s just how things are over there. And for the kids that I employ I offer more than just a job. I offer them hope. With the decent wages I pay my workers they will one day be able to afford kindergarten. And of course I pass my savings in labor costs on to you, the consumer.
What’s my point? Kathie Lee Gifford’s line of clothes at Wal-mart, Nike’s AirJordan’s and lots of other products we buy were and are made overseas by children because we don’t want to pay the price for stuff made by adults. If American adults were making AirJordan’s they would cost $300. A head of broccoli would cost $19.95 if Teamsters were picking vegetables. Imagine Postal Clerks out there in the fields picking tomatoes. They would stoop over, pick two or three tomatoes, put up that "Next Window Please" sign, and then take a nap. And if you questioned postal clerks about their work ethic you might flip them out and get shot at. If American crops were picked by American adults food would be so expensive only the very rich could afford to go to a salad bar.
But nobody wants to buy a soccer ball sewn by a two year old who has developed carpal tunnel syndrome before he’s out of diapers. The problem is you never know who made what you’re buying and under what conditions they are working. So I am going to suggest all price tags have three pieces of information on it: the name and age of the youngest person who worked on that product, their hourly wage and what a can of Coca-Cola costs in that country. For example, the tag on that soccer ball would read "Hung Amongmung, age 18 months. .3 cents per hour. Coke/$1.50." Then you could choose to pay more for the brand of ball made by union workers.
Or corporations could just have less of a profit margin and pay adults to make their product. And one day cows will fly.
As an avid golfer I am concerned about the future of my favorite pastime because there are more and more golfers and fewer and fewer tee times. There used to be a better golf course-to-golfer ratio, but then bowlers found out they could drink beer, drive electric carts into trees and get a tan by switching to golf and combined with the fact that young people think golf is a hip, retro thing to do, golf courses are way too crowded and most cities just don’t have enough space to build more of them.
So I would like to suggest in the future we combine golf courses with cemeteries. Cemeteries have everything you need for a golf course. They are often conveniently located right in the middle of town, they have lots of grass and trees. The only problem is all those damn headstones.
So what you do is this: take out the headstones... leave the bodies cuz’ nobody takes a divot that deep... and put all the headstones representing bodies buried in that fairway, around the tee box. For example, one headstone would say "John Schimmelphenny, 1918-1988. Par four, 440 yards. May he rest in peace. Replace your divots."
Traditionally a golf course has bushes alongside or markers imbedded in the fairway to tell you when you are 150 yards away from the green, but now you could have a lone headstone that says "You’re a 150 yards from the green and directly over Dirk Asman, 1912-1978."
And of course the mourners could still come to visit their dearly departed because mourners are generally quiet, which is perfect for golf. If while they are mourning they see a good shot perhaps they’ll applaud and wave their flowers. It will help them reaffirm the notion that there is joy in life and to carry on without whomever they have lost.
Right now this may seem to be a crazy idea but they laughed at Edison. You watch--20 years from now, some of us will be buried on golf courses, while those we left behind will be making bogeys over bodies.
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copyright 1998 Tim Bedore --- all rights reserved