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Long, long ago, in a place so far away you wouldn't want to walk there from here, there lived a King loved by all the people named King Pretzel. If not all the people, most of them, for good King Pretzel cared for his subjects and protected them and listened to them because he said "It is the wisest of Kings who listens to a wise people."
And for this the people loved the King and the merchants loved King Pretzel too because he also said "The best guidance a King can give to a smart merchant is no guidance at all."
Occasionally a jester would ask King Pretzel, If the merchant is like the fox who wants the eggs of the chicken shouldn't the chicken be wary of the fox? And the King said, if by eggs you mean money, I say if a merchant steals the eggs of the chicken, and if by chicken you mean the people, then the wise people will say "'Ney' to the merchant who steals their eggs and the merchant would be no more, thus no merchant would steal the eggs of a wise people."
And for some reason this made sense to the people who believed, amongst other things, that wearing a little bag of tree fungus around their neck would cure that rash in their nether regions. A rash, ironically, itself, caused by a fungus.
And then one day a merchant named Fast-one of House-ton, who was best of friends with King Pretzel and advised him mightily and made for the King many great parties because he was one of the kingdoms most glorious merchants, just disappeared. And several fingers of the people were pointed and numbers of questions were asked but not many were answered for the merchant wasn't talking, having flown the coop with many of the people's eggs.
And the King said, this is sad but this is good, for this is how it should work. This merchant will no longer be trusted by the people who are wise and thus the system work-eth well. And the people said, But what about our eggs? We need eggs, King Pretzel!
But not too long after getting no real answers from the King or anybody else, the people, whom the King said are wise, quit asking their questions and seeing this the jester said, Can the people actually be wise if they believe a King who says his wise people should guard their eggs from a fox whom the King himself brought into their coop? And how wise is the King to have taken advice from Fast-one of House-ton? And the Jester was pelted with bags of fungus by the wise people who just wanted to watch the Super Bowl and stop the Jester from asking impertinent questions of good King Pretzel.
And thus, forever and ever the people kept losing their eggs to new foxes and scratching their nether regions.
Call in now or I will have to put Daniel Shorr's lights out
Public radio stations across America are currently going through their usual bi-annual pledge drive, that time of year they try to convince you if it weren't for public radio and its uplifting content your children would turn out to be psycho killers or accountants. At the other end of the cultural spectrum, there was that Celebrity Boxing thing on FOX TV with Paula Jones and Tonya Harding.
Did you see that? First of all, it was false advertising. Paula Jones and Tonya Harding are not celebrities. The public may recognize their names but like Charles Manson or Typhoid Mary they are not celebrities, they are just known.
But most importantly what these non-celebrities were doing in the ring had very little to do with the sweet science of boxing. This wasn't Let's Get Ready To Rumble. This was Let's get Ready to stumble. I have seen better fighting between drunken florists. At one point Paula Jones was actually hiding behind the referee.
Many observers of our culture, or lack of one, have been critical of this event, but upon reflection, you know what--These somewhat known non-celebrities, and FOX, were just doing what they are capable of doing to make a buck. Let's face it, how many times can Paula Jones sell her soul to the vast right wing conspiracy and then pose nude in Penthouse? How many parents are going to send their kids to the Tonya Harding day care center? These non-celebrities did something shameful and embarrassing for money because... that's the kind of work they can get. Well, not the only work they can get but the kind of work they can get that FOX is willing to broadcast.
Public radio pledge drives, on the other hand, are not exactly shameful and embarrassing, but I doubt the participants much like them. It's just what has to be done to keep the operation going. And I want to help out.
Knowing that Celebrity Boxing on FOX got huge ratings and made a lot of money, I will offer to climb into the ring and box NPR's Daniel Shorr. I'm certainly not as well known as that guy from the Brady Bunch but if it will raise money I'll do it. In fact, I'll take on --Daniel Shorr and Nina Totenberg. Two on one or tag team, it's their choice.
So, Dan, Nina, get your satin shorts on. One of you has to wear a tank top. And on behalf of public radio, Let's Get Ready to Stumble. Or you listeners could just pledge some money and make it easy on these poor public radio people. You know how uncomfortable you are listening to respectable people beg? Well, imagine having to do it? So, call in now or I have to put Daniel Shorr's lights out.
Some People Call Me the Gangster of Accounting
Last week federal prosecutors showed jurors in the Arthur Andersen trial some song lyrics written in 1995 by an Andersen partner, James Hecker, that suggested their accounting practices were misleading and designed to trick investors into thinking Enron Corp. was profitable at all times.
[hotel california/ music under]
The song Hecker used in his parody was "Hotel California" by The Eagles. If you are not familiar with the song, welcome to America. What galaxy are you from? Anyway,
some of the lyrics written by that Andersen partner include...
Last thing I remember, I was running for the door
I had to find the entries back to the GAAP (generally accepted
accounting practices) we had
before.
Relax said the client, we are programmed to succeed.
You can audit any time you like, but we will never bleed.
On the witness stand Mr. Hecker, said his lyrics were intended as a joke and, unlike most parodies, not based on truth and nothing in the song should be taken seriously by the court. In other words he's saying 'Arthur Andersen is innocent now even though back then we sang a different tune... literally.'
Well, on behalf of all the employees that lost their 401K's, and investors who bought Enron stock and Californians who over payed for energy and anyone who is annoyed by corporate sleeze, I have a song parody about you Andersen guys.
[Steve Miller- The Joker]
Some people call you devoid of ethics
some call you the gangster of accounting
Some people say you're why they got fleeced.
Cuz' you lied 'bout the solvency of Enron
And you Arthur Andersen people can't sue me. Know why? My song parody is not to be taken seriously.
[Beatles - Let it Be]
Because when I find myself in times of trouble Arthur Andersen comes to me,
Speaking words of wisdom,
Shred the evidence.
But this I say in all seriousness...
[Paul McCartney Maybe I'm Amazed]
Arthur I'm amazed you're not already doing time, even tried the innocence line, maybe I amazed
no one's taken a calculator and beaten you.
And if there is a god in heaven, or if the jury hasn't been bought off, here's a tune that might ome in handy the first time you walk into your prison cell and meet
your new room-mate.
[I'm in love-Wilson Pickett. LYRICS= "I'm in love! I'm in love!]
I went to Catholic school so when the media started talking about all these pedophile priests I said, "Hey, we had one of those priests." He was the one that, after basketball practice, hung out way too long in the locker room and then tried to take a bunch of us boys on an overnight fishing trip.
As far as image problems go pedophile priests are right at the top of any list. Things are so bad the Catholic Archdiocese of Los Angeles has hired a really spendy public relations firm known for handling high profile clients with big troubles, Sitrick and Co. to get the media to focus on the positive aspects of the Catholic Church. Of which there are many.
There are critics of this type of expenditure but I think the Church needs a high end/expensive firm. A less costly firm might not get it quite right, placing stories in the newspaper saying "In a recent survey up to 82% of Catholic priests report they are not pedophiles." A hollow victory at best, and certainly the kind of information that would make for an odd sounding radio campaign.
No, the best thing Sitrick and Company can do for the Catholic Church is convince the Pope to change the culture of the priesthood by dropping the celibacy thing and allowing married people to be priests. And do it before they have to sell off church property to pay for more of these molestation law suits. The irony is losing church property is one of the reasons the Church instituted celibacy in the first place. A thousand years ago, as any parent with land would want to do, many priests were deeding parish property to their sons and daughters. The Vatican saw their empire shrinking and said "No more kids. Celibacy." But today, if the Church doesn't drop their celibacy requirement they may lose what property they've got left.
That's the long-term solution. In the short-term, playing up the orphanages and hospitals and missions may help their image but if you heard a radio ad saying "The Catholic Church is The Virgin Mary/Mother Theresa, Joan of Arc. We've been holier than though for over 2000 years," you may think their A-list celebrities are pretty holy cow impressive. But they are all part of the past, their bones entombed in shrines and the religious relics Catholics have in their homes for the saintly protection they provide them and their children... from those priests who want to hang out a little too long in the locker room.
On June 22nd I sold some stock. The stock was from a company, whose Board of Directors, I am a member of. And on June 30th our company announced that we just stink on ice, that our losses are 8 times worse than last year, and it won't be long before we get our hand basket out and slide right down to stinky town. And of course after that June 30th announcement our stock lost 40% of its value and I, a board member, made a whole lot more money selling my stock on the 22nd than I would have after the 30th. So my question is, why is Ken Starr not looking into my life?
And the answer is because I am the Republican President of the United States. Hee hee, yippee for me. The preceding description of my stock sale is fictitious, but just might be what our President did in this Harkin deal. For some reason, the media isn't focusing much on the insider trading aspect of this thing– they are asking why the President didn't file the right form, or if the Harkin lawyers should have filed the form, on what date, blah, blah... Hey, stop! What about the insider trading thing? If Bush was on the board, an officer of the company, on the 22nd and sold stock before a June 30th announcement that they were going into the tank, it's either insider trading or he's the most uninformed, out of touch board member of all time. And I think we need to know.
I am not suggesting the Senate Democrats actually call for the President be investigated, that would be old style politics. But the press should hammer away until the President has to respond. If he says "Well, if it looks like insider trading, smells like insider trading, feels like insider trading, I guess I must be an inside trader," then we'll know he's shed his corporate pupa skin and grown into the President of all the people. And that is a good thing to know or not know.
But the President isn't being questioned because he's the President, and a likable one at that. And it certainly didn't hurt that when the SEC initially looked into his stock deal his Dad was the President.
But obviously something stinks in corporate America and it is important to know if the President has a nose that can recognize that smell.
Deregulation is not your friend
So, let's see. The family that runs Adelphia Cable wouldn't put the Playboy Channel on their system because that's immoral but they would steal hundreds of millions of dollars from their shareholders because what... that was more moral than showing bulbous breasts?
To me, Adelphia's shaky moral compass is another example of how deregulation has been a giant bust, and I don't mean that in a Playboy Channel sense.
Let's just start over with this premise when you look in the Bible, Shakespeare, or any recorded history of human behavior the thing that leaps out at you is this we stink. People are awful.
After being de-regulated, how long did it take the Savings and Loan industry to become thieves and whores? Minutes? Maybe seconds before the savings and loan people started pilfering and plundering like deregulation was the Oklahoma Land Rush? And would anybody say the airline industry is in better shape after de-regulation? Sure, but all those people work in the airline industry.
The phone industry -- better or worse? Is it even possible to get good service from your cable company? And how about the energy industry and Enron, a company that had the bankrupt morals of ... an Enron. The cheating done by the guys running Worldcom was so openly stupid and blatant in retrospect it sounds like they wanted to get caught.
What's my point? Some Republicans and their buddies in the media, recently have tried to blame Bill Clinton for the recent sleazy behavior in corporate America. Why? Because primarily Republicans were the ones who told you de-regulation was your friend, that if we got government off the back of industry, industry would soar. Yes, many of us are so sore we can't sit down.
Thus, therefore, ergo the next time politicians tell you de-regulation is the answer, that government should get off the back of industry say this Cain slew Abel, then stole his 401 K. And forever it shall be thus.
As for Adelphia, the new management is now thinking of adding porn to their cable service. Why? To make up the money stolen by that moral family that used to run the place.
It seems every other corporation is announcing some accounting problem, lie, discrepancy, billions in expenses ended up in the profit column, all kinds of inaccuracies that have to be cleared up. And so I too, Tim Bedore, have to come clean. For the past 15 years Arthur Andersen has been handling my public relations work and consulting me on life issues and I have the following corrections and apologies to make-
To my wife Karen, I am not the world's greatest lover. I told you, during our courtship, that I was the master of all things carnal but we've run the numbers again and my status has been downgraded to somewhere in the range of adequate to not annoying. Also, I believe I told you I have large feet, which, as you now know, is not true, they are of average size and all that entails.
To my high school and college friends back home, I want to correct a few things about my life in California, I am not the hottest thing in show business just waiting for the right project to come along, Jay Leno is not my best friend, Steven Spielberg does not call me for advice and I did not teach Tiger Woods how to golf. I once had Jay Leno's home phone number but he changed it soon after I got it, a few years back I saw Close Encounters ( alt. Saw Speilberg at a restaurant) and the only tip I ever gave Tiger Woods was "You the man" as he was about to tee off.
And to my very Catholic parents I want to say, I know you have taken great comfort in the fact I told you I had dedicated my life to God, was doing the Lord's work and had accepted Jesus as my personal savior. Well, the truth of my religious work is I once donated an old couch to the St. Vincent De Paul Society.
I know these exaggerations, obfuscations, prevarications... huge honkin' lies... prepared for me by my consultants, are still my responsibility and may cause you to not want to invest in me in the future. But, I can tell you this– as soon as Congress forces me and my life consultants, Arthur Andersen, to put out more accurate information, I will. Who forces the Congress to be trustworthy and accurate is another matter, but as soon as Arthur Andersen and I figure out what the truth of me is, we will get back to you.
As for my daughter, when I told you Daddy loves you more than there is blue in the sky, I was being completely honest. As for getting your own pony one day, well, Daddy is still waiting to hear from Congress on if I have to fess' up on that.
Dogs should not be smaller than cats and other campaign issues
As a father, I am not in favor of spanking children but as a citizen I am in favor of spanking politicians. In fact, I would like to box the ears of the whole political class.
Why? Because they're not doing what I want them to do. What do I want them to do? Some of what you want them to do, some you probably don't.
For example, we as a nation should never ever allow dogs to be smaller than cats. I support bio- technology, gene therapy, all kinds of tinkering with nature but when you start breeding dogs to be smaller than cats, you're messin' with the logic, the cosmic glue that keeps our universe together. But so far, no politician will take up this cause. And I don't think politicians should be allowed to wear toupees or do a comb over. There is something patently dishonest about trying to fool people into thinking you have hair when you so obviously don't.
Other than those two issues though, I am sure you and I share some common concerns - I can't believe our schools are as big and dumb and ineffective as they are. I can't believe our young people are as big and dumb and ineffective as they are. Coincidence? You be the judge. I can't believe we're talking about drilling for oil in Alaska when Honda announced they can make a hybrid-engine SUV that gets 40 miles to the gallon. But maybe that's just me again.
What I really can't believe is that the American people aren't more hacked off about all that not's getting done by politicians, whatever you think that should be. I can't tell you who to vote for... well, I can but they won't let me... but what I can say is this - let's rattle their cage.
This election, vote for the candidate who spent the least amount of campaign money or vote out the ruling party you normally vote for and when the new party you voted in doesn't do better, two years later vote them out, too. Politicians would be more responsive to the voters if every now and again a bunch of them got fired.
And if we denied them toupees and comb-overs politicians would be easier on the eye and at least seem more sincere, because you can't appear genuine when it looks like you're wearing a Chihuahua on your head. As for you lovers of dogs that are smaller than cats, it looks like you're safe this election cycle. But if the Universe explodes because someone bred a Chihuahua so small it fits in your shirt pocket I hope the last voice you hear is me screaming, "I told you so."
National Take your Dog to Work Day
National Take your Dog to Work Day. It almost sounds insane. What if your Rottweiler has an attitude and you run a day care center?
The skeptical among you might be asking how such a day ever gained acceptance? Well, it all started with National Take Your Daughter to Work Day, the goal of which is greater gender equality. But of course that holiday is sexist, so we need a National Take Your Son to Work Day, and because dogs are part of the family, and fellow mammals, to avoid accusations of specie-ism we now have National Take Your Dog to Work Day.
But if taking your dog to work gives man's best friends a better idea of what their owners do while they are home sleeping or chewing a leg off the coffee table or the mailman then I think we should all get behind this effort to forge a greater human/canine understanding.
And to that end I have started crossbreeding Basenjis, the bark-less dog, with Chihuahuas, the dog that wants to bark about everything, to create the world's most frustrated animal. The resulting offspring is either a dog that wants to say something about everything and just can't, or a dog that can endlessly yip and bark at the slightest provocation but strangely, feels that it shouldn't.
In other words, this new dog is just its owner, the average American worker who has already learned how to roll over and play dead. And when owners of my new Basenhuahuass bring them to the office their fellow workers will recognize their own frustrations in this helpless animal and unite and demand that the dental plan be re-installed.
Until that day, I think company management benefits most from Bring a Dog to Work Day. It's a no-cost way of almost literally tossing workers a bone. But if they ever announce National Take Your Gerbil, Hamster or other domesticated Rodent to Work Week, be a Chihuahua. Bark like hell because they're about to raid your pension plan.
Disney and the Why the Anasazi Ate Themselves
I'm one of millions of free-spending consumers, but, not by choice.
My daughter is five and it's an unwritten rule in her pre-school that the kids invite all 22 of their classmates or none at all, to their birthday parties. I don't know who wrote that unwritten rule but I suspect Toys-R-Us.
So, we're at the Disney Store to buy yet another birthday gift for yet another birthday party. And of course my daughter, Claire, wants a toy, as well. I explained she only gets toys for her birthday and Christmas. I expected an argument, perhaps a minor meltdown, but she got it. She accepted what I said, and I was so proud of her... I bought her a toy.
But I got the cheapest thing they had. Disney knows today's parents are spineless wimps and so there's a bunch of 5 dollar-big-weinee-parent-pacify your kid and get the hell out of there items.
Claire wanted this battery operated, and how many things aren't these days, thing a handle with a Cinderella figurine on top. Cinderella has a hole in her head into which they've stuck a lollipop. And when you hit the button the lollipop spins around so our children won't have to go through the exhausting effort of twisting and sucking on the lollipop themselves. What a vigorous nation we have become! By the way, this is all part of Disney's plan to make children so lazy all they want to do is sit home and watch their Disney DVD's.
As adults, they won't clean their home unless they have a riding vacuum cleaner. "Oh, I can't push this vacuum all the way across the living room, it's too far."
When I was a kid we didn't have a riding lawn mower, we didn't even have a power mower. We had a push mower and not only did I have to cut our lawn, I had to cut the neighbor's lawn because they were old and we were Catholic. I said to my Dad, "If you're going to force me to do this much charity lawn work we need a power mower." He said, "I have four power mowers, you and your three brothers." Dad, was a laugh riot.
What's my point? When future anthropologists dig through our land fills and discover a Cinderella with a hole in her head into which a white paper stick has been shoved there will be an "A ha" moment, just like when they figured out the Anasazi Indians disappeared because they got too lazy to go out and hunt and ate whatever was around the house, which was themselves. But as I help our culture cannibalize itself I can feel good because, in the meantime, I'm doing my part to keep the economy chugging along.
Douglas Adams once wrote "There is a theory which states that if anybody ever discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."
Which brings me to California's recall election. What form of democracy do you have when a Governor can be kicked out of office for only getting 49.9% of the votes in a recall election, only to be replaced by a movie star or porn star or porn king, or worse yet, water melon smashing comedian who only gets 18.9% of the vote? It's true that this recall election qualifies as a form of democracy but God is love, love is blind, Stevie Wonder is blind, therefore Stevie Wonder is God qualifies as a form of logic. It's just that neither of them are very useful. Unless you're somebody who can only get 18.9% of the vote or Stevie Wonder.
First let me say we Californians are not trying to entertain the rest of you with this recall election. In fact, you non-Californians may be asking why so many Californians are so upset with Grey Davis. Well, it's because Katherine Hepburn died recently. (Pause) Just checking, OK, the real reason Californians are upset with Grey Davis is that the stock market went in the tank and shoved us all off easy street. That's the real reason. Compounding matters for Grey Davis is that he's got the charm of day old spit. He's a walking, talking San Jose “ there's no there there. He has all the flair of a pair of khaki pants topped off by a pair of khaki pants.
But supporters of the recall say they are upset with Grey Davis because he is responsible for our economy and deficit. Really? The Silicon valley/dot-com implosion and the resulting loss of revenue, the nation's economy taking the pipe, the energy scam played on California Grey Davis's did that? Did he convince everybody there was no way to make money on the internet or you don't need a new PDA?
My fellow citizens, this isn't a carnival, or High School where you can vote for the most popular kid because student government has no function or purpose. It's in fact very, very important for us to deal with reality.
Do you remember what Plato said about government? Do you remember Plato? He was old and Greek and they made statues of him and one of the things he said was "Whose that young boy over in the corner?" But more to the point he said "The greatest price of refusing to participate in politics is being governed by your inferiors."
Participating means thinking for yourself, thinking clearly about what really happened and who is qualified to fix things. I'm not allowed to comment directly on politics but with Gary Coleman in the race Arnold Schwarzenegger is not even the best actor on the ballot. And before I close I would like to apologize to Stevie Wonder if he really is God. My bad on that. The evidence was right there and I missed it.
Monopoly should be more realistic
If you grew up playing Monopoly, a very competitive board game very popular here in a very competitive America, you may remember one of the properties on was the Reading (Red-ding) Railroad. Although the Reading is no longer in business a chartered Amtrak train traveling east from Chicago and renamed the Reading Railroad is the site for this year's National Monopoly Championship competition. That Amtrak itself is barely in business without any competition makes this an odd choice but to play championship level monopoly on a bus would seem wrong.
Anyway, there have been some updates to the Monopoly game over the years and I would like to propose a few more. We have to up the stakes. The winner of this Monopoly Championship will receive $15,140 because that is the total amount of money included in the standard monopoly game. I think today's kids should play Monopoly for billions and billions of dollars. Let's make their game experience comparable to what's happening in the real world. And let's make sure there are consequences to their actions. If one kid wins billions of dollars in stock options or golden parachutes for owning Boardwalk and Park Place the other players don't eat for a few days. The price for losing is literally going hungry. If you land on Go to Jail, you really go jail. Or at least to your room. For quite awhile.
How else are we going to teach business ethics and cause and effect and civic responsibility? The business schools sure don't seem to be doing it. When the monopoly playing youth of today flip over that Chance card and find out there's a new SEC Chairman looking into their insider trading there should be a shudder in the room as the guilty party runs away screaming and hides under their bed.
They used to advertise these board games as fun for everyone between the ages of 6 to 60. 6-60 is what some of today's CEOs should be doing for their crimes and instilling fear of jail time through realistically modern monopoly is one way to better train the future captains of American.
What's my point? We never want American companies to be anything less than monstrously competitive but the ultimate goal of everything that America does should be serving the public good and that is why Parker Brothers should make future editions of Monopoly more realistic. If the bank makes an error in your favor and you don't report it, no T.V. for a week. Even if it means missing the World Monopoly Championship on the board game network.
Have you noticed all e-mail is looking more like Spam because all Spam looks more like real email? When I go online I get optimistic, thinking people must like me, I have 128 e-mails. 126 are Spam. The other two are from my mother. The first one reminding me it's my Dad's birthday, the second one reminding me it's my Dad's birthday. She sent two because she forgot she sent the first one.
Anyway, every e-mail I get has a subject line that looks like they are personal e-mails from my friends. But they're all Spam, so even the e-mail with the subject line that says, Tim Bedore, I am still upset with you for giving me crabs in college at the University of Wisconsin at Stevens Point, you tall, thin, brown haired creep, I delete because I am sure that e-mail is just a come on to buy Omaha Steaks or frozen seafood.
Not only do I get my own Spam, I currently get Spam for a guy named Michael Johnson about refinancing his home, now!, and for a woman named Annette who can look great in a bikini now! The strangest Spam message I consistently get is from someone trying to sell me a product that would clean out my septic tank, now! I don't have a septic tank. I live in an apartment. I don't even pay for water. How did they find me? I get spam from companies saying they will reduce how much spam I get. You're spam. Want to impress me? Stop yourself.
Because of all this spam it's hard to know if your e-mails are even standing out from the Spam enough to get through to people anymore. So, here's a subject line you can use to get through to your business associates "I know someone at the IRS and they are asking questions."
But if you're tired of e-mails and Spam and offers for Vicodin without a prescription and a chance to enlarge your you-know-what and getting infected with big worm viruses then dump your online service but just before you do spam all your friends and remind them what your phone number is. I guarantee you, you won't be missing much on the off chance I may have a septic tank one day I priced the septic cleaner stuff they offered on line and it's just as cheap at Home Depot.
Vague But True®
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copyright 2000 Tim Bedore --- all rights reserved