January 19, 2018
I Was the Victim of a Drive-By Garbage Pelting
Someone threw a can of creme corn at me the other day. I was walking down the street, a car passed by and something came flying out the window right at my head. As it whizzed past me, I noticed it was a can of creme corn and my first thought was- who still eats creme corn?

Then I realized, I was the victim of a drive-by garbage pelting. It was either that or a very aggressive recycling program ("Hey, we're in a hurry, get this to a recycling center and I mean now").

I walked over just to be sure I was seeing straight and sure enough, there it was- a full can of creme corn. Why would anyone throw a loaded can of creme corn at a total stranger? It doesn't seem plausible they were just trying to get it out of the house before their mom made it for dinner. I hated creme corn when I was a kid but not enough to take someone's head off with a can of the stuff. If a car is going 40 m.p.h. and launches a pound of vegetables at your skull, anyone has to understand it would cause a lot of damage.

Don't today's high school civics classes teach kids when individual behavior breaks down societies break down, that if for no reason whatsoever you hit someone in the head with a can of creme corn, one day for no reason whatsoever you'll get hit in the face with a can of fruit cocktail? Aren't they still covering that in our schools?

As I walked on I wondered what I would do to the kids who threw the creme corn if I caught them. Making them eat the creme corn cold seemed like a good first step. Use a can, eat a can. But if I ever find them, I want this case to go to trial. I want justice. I want an attorney to point at a can of creme corn and say, "Your Honor, I would like to submit this as exhibit A."

What's my point? Please spend more money on parks and schools and recreation centers and whatever else it is that teaches kids to respect others or wears them out so they don't have the energy to attack strangers with canned goods.