January 19, 2018
The Bear That Broke into Volkswagen Microbuses
The other animals are out to get us. I'm convinced there is a multi-species conspiracy whose goal is to harass, embarrass and attack humans. In the past I have reported on the eagle that stole a woman's beloved pet Chihuahua at a downtown gas station, and about the woman who beat up a moose after being attacked while cross-country skiing. I, myself, had a violent confrontation with a squirrel in my own home. Now there are reports from northern California of bears that are making concerted efforts to humiliate and starve vacationers.

Apparently the bears have learned to stake out trails in backpacking areas. When a group of campers come by, the bears burst out of the woods sending the terrified humans scurrying down the trail in a panic. Then the bears tear into the abandoned backpacks and camping gear and eat the tuna sandwiches, cheetoes and slim jims the campers brought to the great outdoors. According to my sources the bears break into cars and campers only when they see a cooler inside because they know that's where they'll find the food. Other ingenious bears have learned to walk out on the road, stop cars and then pose for pictures with the unwitting tourists, who are more than happy to feed them. The tourists end up with some interesting video while the bears end up with their lunch.

What is my point? The other animals hate us. Lions and tigers and bears are out to finish off the human race. I foresee a time when herds of vicious, marauding squirrels turn every picnic into a bloodbath. Of course, it's impossible to get all the involved species together to discuss ways to end this wild vs. human animal strife because the other animals conveniently haven't yet learned to talk. At least that's what we think. Who knows what they say when we're not around?

So this summer be careful out there in the forests and parks of America. Don't do anything to rile up the wildlife. Don't litter or start a forest fire or play loud music. Remember, you are being watched.